How i am feeling the past few days or even weeks

Again this is hard for me to write but a lot of people have been telling me how much it helps them so here i go. As i said in previous post, i have become addicted to morphine that i was taking for back pain. Tomorrow i have an apointment with a nurse at a detox centre to get an evaluation. Unfortunately most rehab places that are free have a long waiting list and i could be stuck waiting as long as a month to get in which scares me a lot especially since i now do not have any therapy until march when i will resume my bpd therapy. The plan is to do detox then rehab. Then i will be in a programm called phase 2 of rehab for about 3 months, i think it is about 3 times a week and i will also be doing a cessation smoking programm at the same time to then restart bpd therapy in march. I feel like i have hit rock bottom in my life which I know is good in a way because i will be getting all the help i need but my mind does keep playing tricks on me. I often think wow i just turned 37 and never ever would i have thought i would be 37, divorced, no children, in therapy for a mental illness, waiting to go to detox and rehab, uncapable of working and managing money...not exactly a beautiful portrait. I know logically i should be telling myself that i asked for help and admitted to many problems and i am doing the best i can but my brain has a hard time believing it even though i am doing the right thing. I still feel like a big loser and a huge disapointment to family and close friends even though they don't say it. I am basically paranoid, lonely and feel like a really really bad person and have started to isolate myself for fear of being too much or annoying to others and have them leave me...i pray my wait to get into detox and rehab will not be long. Thank you for reading me :o)