Guilt

I will start by saying what a uselss emotion!!! I am realising too that it can be a bit selfish and a also a bad coping skill to avoid my problems or issues. Since i seem to be a roll of starting to understand and being able to actually apply things i have learned in therapy so far i have decided to talk about guilt today. Well as I have said before, my whole life i have always always felt guilty. Guilty about everything under the sun! Their are certain things i have always felt guilty about, guilt at all the pain, worry, stress, sadness, dissapointment etc i have caused my family. That is always number ONE in my head since i was little. Then i always feel guilty about different things, one day it could be that i feel i dont do enough for myself, or i think i dont try hard enough and i could do more. Some days its guilt because i dont exercise enough or smoke cigarettes. Other days i will feel guilty for not having completed my ridiculous lists of cleaning and things to do in a day. Then i will feel guilty thinking i am a really bad influence for people in my life. I even go as far as feeling gulty thinking am not a good person for my cats!!!! I mean really!?!?!? Well first of all, as i was told repeatedly in therapy when i feel guilty about something i should first stop myself and ask myself what exactly am i feeling guilty about. If it is something that i have done and regret doing, well is there something i can do about it. If i have already appologized and fixed whatever situations, then what is the point of feeling guilty about it. If there is something i can do about it, like appologozing to someone i might have hurt or offended, well then i can simply fix it by doing so and be done for the guilt. Then if i talk about my BIG things i mentionned i always feel guilty about well i am really starting to see how much this impacts my life in very negative ways. I will try to explain. My whole life as i said but even more in the past year, i have huge amounts of guilt that my parents are once again helping me. My mom and dad have lent me so much money and gotten me out of so many jams in my life, more often then i care to imagine. I have always had a big problem with compulsive shopping when i am not feeling well and have never ever been able to budget. And mommy and daddy would always end up having to help me. I have so many feelings of guilt over this it's overwhelming and was eating away at me my whole life. Well i am not doing them or me any good whatsoever by hanging on to these feelings of guilt. When i spend nights or days thinking about this and getting really anxious and feeling like a monster, what do i end up doing when i feel this way..i end up SPENDING, or all the other bad coping things i do. How is that any good for me or my parents. In my fucked up way of thinking as i have mentionned a few times in my most recent posts, without realising it i really thought i was NOT ALLOWED to NOT feel guilty. I know it sounds weird, but i really thought unconcsiouly until now, that if i did not feel selfish or have any problems then i was a really bad person, how can i not feel guilty after doing all those things, i am not allowed to feel guilty free, i am not allowed to have a good day and tell people about it, then they will think i don't regret the things i have done. So therefor i must always feel guilty and not be happy. Well what a bunch of pardon the language BULLSHIT that is. I have done everything i can do make a mends, to explain why i do these things, i have appologized, i am in therapy working hard at it, my parents are helping me to learn how to budget, my dad especially with the help of my magnificent roomate. I am ready to fax detox and my addictions and get the help i need. I am being pro active about getting all the help i need. I came clean with my problems and admitte to the truth. WHAT ELSE CAN A PERSON DO?!?! Nothing. If i CHOSE to continue feeling guilty for everything i have ever done in my life well i will just keep doing bad things and be stuck in this vicios circle of mine. I will not be helping myself at all and will just keep hurting the people around me which will bring on more guilt and on and on... So i am slowly catching myself every time these feelings come during my day and stopping myself instantly. I use some of the tools i have learned so far and mentionned in previous posts. I first talk myself out of it by pretty much telling myself what i just wrote and then i distract myself. I will go watch a funny tv show. I will chat with a friend. and yes the old lady with the crazy cat will go play with her cats hahah. I sometimes blog about it. Today i distracted myself by going for a walk. And you know what if i have time to sit there and feel guilty well i have time to try these wonderful new tools and do differently then i usually do. I can chose to do something about what is happening in my life instead of just feeling guilty. I almost find it selfish now to sit there feeling guilty instead of being pro active and fixing things. And does it ever feel good and what a weight off of ones shoulder's when you chose to not feel guilty. I know i will still have days and my moments of guilt but i think by keeping this up, and by practicing practicing i will get better and better at it AND SO CAN YOU!! Thanks for reading me :o)