A better way to help

As i have repeated many times in other posts if any of you reading this will know i have said the following a few times. We feel guilty pretty much all time from thinking that we are bad bad people, bad friends, bad daughter or son, bad sister or brother..etc. As illogical and hard as it is to understand for others, in our heads we always think we are doing the best for everyone around us and we are 99% of the time completely wrong. For example, let's say i fucked up like i really did, fucked up my budget from not feeling well and jumpting to spending to feel better. In my head it was logical to try to fix my budget myself, cause i always belive that i can, and lie and say everything is fine. In my head that is the best solution as to me i think well it will avoid others from worrying about me and stressing over me etc etc. Which makes no sense at all since i end up in a mess that is too big for me and then have to come clean. Not only have i hurt the people around me from lying to them for one, but also stress them more cause they now worry about what else i might be doing wrong and not saying or if its worse then what i say. Another example, i have a friend that tried to commit suicide a few months ago, the reasoningt in her head was that she was so miserable and such an annoyance and pain to everyone that she kept lying and pretending everything was ok as to not bother anyone, and one day she thought well everyone around me will just be better off if i kill myself. Obviously that just cause more pain to others because she did not chose to talk to them or ask for help and they would have been devistated if she had actually died(which she almost did) and now they worry all the time, is she really ok, will she try this again, is she lying to us thinking she is protecting us. We never ever have bad intentions but in our fucked up logic way of thinking we really think we are doing the best to avoid pain and hurt to the people we love. We all KNOW that fucking up, like overspending, trying to commit suicide, cutting, drinking, doing drugs, not eating right, not exercising enough, smoking too many cigarettes, etc etc etc. And usually all those things are done automatically as this is the way we have learned how to cope with life and with the pain and emptiness we have felt our whole life it is obviously a really bad way of coping with life and a bad survival skill we have developped to try and protect ourselves. We know for example that when we start feeling that pain and emptiness and sadness and lost feeling, we should call a friend or family member and ask for help or talk about it but as simple as this sounds to people it is really a lot harder said then done. The guilt and worry about burdening or bothering or annoying someone stressing them and making them worry is really HUGE. So most of the times we just jump to what we know how to do and go for our bad coping skills, then lie, try to hide it really truly believing this is the best way to protect our loved ones. And of course this is a fucked up way of living and coping. It also brings up a huge huge fear of abandonmant, because when we do call a loved one, alot of timess they dont know what to say or do, they get worried or stressed or they become really overwhelmed and then start distancing themselves from you because it is just too much for them to handle. I can only imagine how hard it must be for others to try and help. How annoying it must be the hear the same stories over and over adn the need for reassurance and validation. I can not even tell you how many times i have called people saying the same things everytime...Am i a bad person, are you sure, are you saying this only to calm me down or do you really mean it, do you hate me, do i get on your nerves, am i always doing things that annoy you, Am i crazy, do you think i will stay this way forever, do you think everyone hates me and thinks i am a really bad person, and on and on and on...takes a long time to "somewhat" belive it on really bad days. Now when we chose not to call anyone and fuck up royally believe me WE KNOW IT. I know after the fact that i have overspent, i know i should not have cut myself, i know i should not have gotten drunk, i know i should not have done this or that. WE KNOW and we feel soooooooooooo guilty its almost unbearable, it comsumes you 24 hours a day for quite some time sometimes. Now i know this must be hard, but being told repeatidly, You should know better, you should have done better, you have done this many times, you have hurt me. You should have tried harder, this is unnaceptable..etc etc. It is completely understanble to express ONCE that this was hurtful and not pleasant that it happenned again and that it hurt you. But once is plenty, there is nothing you can say that we dont know. If it is constantly repeated, the self esteem goes further down and down and the guilty becomes worse and worse and what do we do when we feel guilty, jump right back to horrible coping skils and do horrible things again to try and make the pain go away. It is very very hard when you have tried so hard (in my case with my therapy), when you are being taught new coping skills and many tools to help yourself and you have given it your 100% and it goes well for a while and then you fuck up again, it is sooooooooooo discouraging, it is as if you have done 10 steps forward and then poof you are back at square one. Then you have to find the courage to get back up and try again, and it is really really hard to believe yourself after failing a million times before. WE know what we SHOULD do and what we should not but sometimes it overcomes us and we just cant do it even though we KNOW. We already feel horribly guilty and ashamed and embarrassed. A better way to help like i said is too express that our actions did hurt you, and that you are doing your best to help and that it really sucks that we fucked up and their are ways you cant help out anymore..but then stop talking about it instead say. Ok now its done its done, we belive in you. You can do this. You will get it right, Dust yourself off and get back up you can do it. We dont think you are a horrible person and we know you did not mean to hurt us even if it did hurt us and we will continue to support you in the best way we can and we love you...etc. That gives us confidence takes away alot of the guilt and helps us not to jump to our bad behaviors. Its really ok and your right to express what you feel but repeating it over and over is just making it worse and worse. And saying you should do this or that is usually not very helpfyul at least not for people in therapy since we are being taught many things. Perhaps for people without therapy suggestions could be very helpful. But i know for me in therapy and what i have heard from others in my therapy we pretty much all feel the same. I know this must be extremely hard to do when you are angry or fed up with us but it would go such a long way to help us get better as we do try our very best. Please try to keep this in mind and have some patience i know it must be really hard to believe us and have patience and keep giving support but it really means to world to us, more then you will ever know. A special thank you to all the people in my life trying really hard to help me and to understand me better. PS. It is of course perfectly fine and even helpful for others to set limits and bounderies so as to not enable us. Thank you for reading me :o)