Happy day!!!

I wanted to share my happy feelings with all of you today. It is presently 430 am i cant sleep but not because i feel bad, just because those pills the doc gave me to help with my withdrawl symptoms made me sleep all day til 930 pm. So today i am really really feeling better then i have felt in years. I will try to explain as best as i can. First maybe you should read the post i put on my blog called Radical acceptance...its a big 3 month chapter we did in our life skills group. Well i was sitting here wondering what was different in me today. I realised i have hope, a lot of hope in me. For the first time in years i see a big light at the end of this tunnel. In therapy they are always teaching us tools to practice all the time. And i was wondering once and asked m individaul therapis the following.. I know what we do is kind of like brainwashing our minds to think differently by practicing practicing practicing..catching yourself before self sabotaging and doing differently then you normally would, catch yourself at the begining of a panic attack and stop it before it becomes overwhelming. Also stopping yourself when you have spining thoughts or guilt or shame or when thinking everyone hates you and you are a bad person etc etc. And i thought we would always practice and become good at doing it but that it would be something i would have to practice and consciously do the rest of my life, but my therapist told me no and that most people after the 2 years get so good at practicing that they do end up applying these tools and techinques in their life without consciously doing it. It becomes a habit. Well i have noticed today, that i am actually doing some of these things without noticing and that makes me really really happy. For example last night i had a great time at dear friend's house, we laughed so much it was really really nice. Then for some reason i came home and all of a sudden i felt that anxiety rise in me and the paranoid thoughts that i am not a good person, no one really likes me they just put up with me blah blah blah that tape that is always running in the back of my head. Well if this would have hapenned to me like 6 months ago, it would have lasted days or even a week. But no last night i stopped it on my own WITHOUT even noticing. All of a sudden i caught myself thinking. No nacadie, you are who you are right now, you are the best you can be right now and that is good enough. If someone does not like it well too bad, there is nothing more you can do at this moment. And then it stopped on its own and I went to bed feeling fine. Today i looked back and thought wow its really true i will start to be able to do this without thinking about it. Now i know there is a long road ahead of me and that there will be very very hard days but i somehow at the same time feel like i have for the first time in a very very long time, a few goals in my head. In my head, i see good in the future, which has not hapenned in forever in like I said a very long time. I see that i will do detox, then rehab with the quit smoking programme, then back to bpd therapy. And it dawned on me that if since only january i can already apply some of these tools in my life well imagine after finishing the hole programm!!!I actually see a bright future in the distance and at the same time i am enjoying this day of joy. We also practice mindfullness which is living in the present moment. And i have noticed i do that more often now. Usually i always live in either the past, and think of bad things that either hapenned to me or bad things i have done and sit there constantly feeling guilty, ashamed or mad etc etc. Or i will think of the future and make negative predictions without noticing, always thinking i will fail and never be good enough. Well i now also catch myself and say STOP. Right this second, right this instant i am sitting down drinking tea and happy...enjoy it because your life is now, its not when this or that will happens that I will be happy or when I get to this point i will be happy. But i catch myself also thinking well right now i am happy and that's good. Another big thing, well HUGE HUGE thing, is that i am really starting to let go of THIS HUGE amount of guilt i always have inside of me. I always feel as if i am not allowed to not feel guilty because i have done bad things and if i dont feel guilty or permit myself to be happy then i am being a bad person because of all the things i have done, or even the guilt i feel for things i have not even done. I always knew this logically but am now starting to sometimes be able to apply it to my life. A few times this week the guilt would start coming and i would be in the middle of my spining thoughts of guilt and i now see looking back at it that without noticing i actually started thinking... well what exactly are you feeling guilty about? And I feel guilty for ridiculous things i have not even done. If its things i have done, i tell myself they are done, you can never ever change the past no matter how many hours, days or weeks you sit there thinking about them and feeling guilty will never change anything and I will never go forward if i keep it up. Then i think, well i have apologized enough, i can't do anything more except to keep working hard in my therapy and working on the present moment. And i also try to tell myself, it is ok to feel happy and have a good day. The past is the past, no shoulda coulda woulda..not gonna get me anywhere. And when i am thinking in the future and making negative predictions i have stopped myself on my own by saying Nacadie most of the negative predictions you are making almost never happen. If i worry for example about oh i dont know let's say an apointment for example i would have in a week. I imagine it will go really wrong, i will fuck it up somehow but it almost never happens, so i have wasted a whole week of my life stressed about something that will never happen anyway. And even if it did happen what is the point of wasting my NOW or my "present moment" by worrying about it. I know some days I will not feel like this AT ALL but i also now know it will always pass and it will happen a lot less often and when it happens it will not last as long and that it will just get better and better because i will never ever give up and I will always do my best!! So what a good day for me. I wanted to share my happy feelings today since i mostly share negative feelings well why not share the good ones too since i am allowed to feel them!