Life skills part 3: Radical acceptance

Radical acceptance was the topic of my life skill group this week again i will do my best to explain it well, i hope this helps. The quicker you accept an unpleasant situation, a person that bothers you or you feel hurt by, events of the past, things of the past and present that you can NOT change, the quicker you will move on to a plan of action and feel better. I accept what i cant change or control. Remember, you cant change or control others (the way they feel or act or what they do) YOU are in charge of yourself, your feelings and your reactions and you have the power to change that. NOT ACCEPTING=NOT WORKING FOR YOU Always asking yourself "why? why is it this way? why me? why did this happen? why is this happening? etc " is useless. It is what it is. Look at what you are doing or thinking and see how YOU are letting yourself feel this way, when you feel sad, angry, upset, depressed..etc. It serves no purpose. Yes it is ok to acknowledge that something unfair might have hapenned or someone said something you did not like, perhaps you were rapped or beaten up when you were younger etc, the list goes on. It is ok to feel angry or sad but to stay in that state will prevent you from ever moving on. Acknowledge your feelings and then move on to a plan instead of staying with the pain and acting out by either drinking cutting shopping doing drugs etc... I will give a few examples the first one is very simple You leave the house in the morning and ask your spouse to do the dishes. You get home and the dishes are not done. You are very tired and yell at your spouse "why did you not do the dishes i asked you to, you should have listenned to me" most likely then your spouse will reply in a defensive way and a fight will start. What event happened that led up to this situation: I was TIRED and CHOSE to say something about it and it turned into a fight. (no matter if it is fare or not if the dishes were not done, the fact is they are not done and you were tired and chose to yell at your spouse) so step one acknowledge and own up to the fact that you were tired and said something while you could have handled it differently What rolde did you play in creating this situation? You again were tired and yelled at your spouse and were rude. what do you have control of in this situation? You can do the dishes, talk calmly with your spouse and make a compromise...etc What dont you have control of in this situation? The fact that the dishes are not done and that your spouse chose not to do them. What was your response to the situation? You got angry , hurt, frustrated and the dishes are still not done How did your response affect your own thoughts and feelings? You felt unvalidated, sad, angry, upset, hurt, then guilty etc. How did your response affect teh thoughts and feelingss of the other people in the situation? Perhaps your spouse had a bad day at work, and might feel hurt by this, feel attacked, insulted, sad....etc. What YOU do has an affect on YOU and on OTHERS So basically this situation can ruin your evening and end up in a long fight and you feel like crap. How could you handle this differently...well first ACCEPT it there is nothing you can do about the fact that the dishes were not done, they are not done and that is that. You could sit down with your spouse explain calmly that you are tired and really would have liked to have the dishes done, you can chose to say nothing and just take the 10 minutes to do the dishes (instead of hours of fighting and feeling like shit), you can leave the dishes til the day after. This is of course just a tiny example but it applies to everything in your life. I will give a more serious example and i will use myself. Pretty much my whole life i have been trying to please a certain person to get a certain type of validation and love. I realised this lately only, i have been doing it my whole life. Well evidently it isn't working for me, i am not getting what i want. I did this without realising it most of my life and even now that i see it i still sometimes catch myself doing it. Well one day in therapy a few months ago it dawned on me "hey, this person is NEVER going to change, i am always going to feel this way, why do i keep putting myself through this pain?" I then realised it was time to accept that i will never be able to change this person or they way they act or react to me. I will never be able to change anyone for that matter. But what i do have control over is ME and the way i let it affect me and what i do about it. Whether it is fair or not that i was not getting the attention, validation or type of love i wanted, it is what it is and its not going to change. I have now stopped trying to please this person, and stopped waiting for something i am never going to get. I changed the way I CHOSE TO LET IT AFFECT ME. I can chose to not let it hurt me anymore. I can chose to accept that this is the way it is and from now on, i will not stay in pain over this forever it serves me no purpose except more and more pain. In every situation we always have a choice. As i have said in previous posts i was rapped when i was younger. Is it fair? NO was it my fault? NO Can i change what happened? NO...I can spend the rest of my life in pain asking myself why why why...that will never change anything and it only keeps me in the past and in constant pain. I have to accept it, stop asking why cause there is no answer and move on,,,by moving on i mean, accepting the pain, acknowledging it and doing differently. Catch myself when i start thinking about it, or start wondering why, and stop myself before it escalates into a panic attack or a night of crying and suffering. I try to catch myself, tell myself yes it happened i will never know why then distract myself RIGHT AWAY, by either baking, reading, watching tv, calling a friend...the list is long if you have read my previous posts. You always always have a choice about how you feel or react. Most of us have spent our lives trying to be validated, to feel like we matter. And most of us only got that attention when behaving badly, by either drinking or cutting, or suicidal attempts etc...and as we get older this is such a brainwashed habit that we keep doing it. By cutting and drinking etc is a way to yell at the world I AM IN PAIN, I want attention, i want to be validated. Because this is the way we are used to getting some sort of negative validation. But no one will ever be able to give you the real good healthy validation except YOURSELF. DO DIFFERENTLY. Try something different. When you are starting a panic attack the last thing you want to do is go for an ice cream belive me, but you have the choice, you can let it escalate and be in pain all night, or you can tolerate the pain and instead of acting on it in an unhealthy way FORCE yourself and go for that ice cream, write an angry letter, go for a walk, Do different and you will get different results, Obviously what you are doing now has not worked for you or for me. We have to delay the instant gratification of relieving the pain and suffering by again eithe cutting, shopping, drinking, fighting, crying, panicking...etc,. Delay doing that you know as well as i do it is only a short relief and then afterwards the guilt kicks in, then when you feel guilty what do you do again, cut, shop, drink...and the vicious cycle never ends. You have to basically delay the gratification, accept the situation, reframe the situation, do differently and find solutions. It is not easy at all and takes TONS AND TONS of practice but what do you have to lose by practicing you are already not feeling good anyway. Slowly you will learn a new way to cop with things by practicing this radical acceptance. Soothe yourself, no one else will. Calm down before making any decisions or acting out. SO TOLERATE(feel it)-DISTRACT YOURSELF======RADICAL ACCEPTANCE remember When u know better you do better. take responsibility for your choices and actions Holding a grudge is like having someone living in your head rent free. I always think of a day when i was looking at a fly in my window (which is next to my door) the fly was trying every which way to get out throught the window. If only she would have flown right next to the window the door was wide open. Look around you and try differently there is a door open for you too. I hope this makes some sort of sense, it is a hard concept to grasp and takes a lot of practice, I tried to explain it as best as i could. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask and i will do my best to answer as clearly as possible. Thank you for reading me :o)

Our opinions do count...

Having BPD does not mean we are crazy at all. We may have issues, most people do. Ours are just bigger and need to be adressed since they prevent us from fonctioning happily and in a healthy way. Some people though will always see you this way unfortunatly and will never let go of the past and how you were and will stick to "this is how this person is". When having an argument sometimes, some people will not take into account my opinions of judgments and they will dismiss them saying ahhhh that's the BPD talking, your opinions don't count and are wrong because you are crazy. This can be extremely frustrating but try to stick to your opinions and judgments without changing them just to please someone. They may not like you, but its not important in the end. Being true to yourself is what matters and is what will keep you happy and proud of yourself :o)

List of activities and coping skills when either anxious, in panic mode or depreese...etc

So when one is in distress or not feeling well it is always good to have a plan prepared ahead of time. I carry in my purse a list of activities to distract or help me when I am not feeling well. I will also add a list that was given to us in therapy. It is a very long list. Choose some you like and think will work for you. You can also add your own activities and distractions that are not on this list. Play with your animals~do a puzzle~do some art work like painting or photography~go for a walk~bake a dessert~take a bath~watch a funny movie or tv show~phone a friend~go visit a friend~read a book if u have no concentration read short articles in a magazine or read a trashy celebrity magazine~exercise~write letters to people you are angry at then throw them away or burn them~go swimming, biking, do yoga~do some breathing exercises~go get a massage~go for a drive~do some photography~clean the house~take a nap~treat yourself to a chocolate bar~go for an ice cream~cook a new recipe~knit~go eat at a restaurant~go to the movies~chat online~play solitaire or online games~visit websites of places you would like to travel to(look at images)~create a blog~sell something you dont want or need online~buy something online~dye your hair or go get a hair cut~call Tracom~go shopping~do a scrapbook~go to the library~sing or dance~meditate~make a list of 10 celebrities you would like to be friends with and describe why~pretent you have won the lottery and write down what you would do with the money~invite someone over for supper~ write a loving letter to yourself when you are feeling well and write down things you like about yourself and re read it when you are not feeling well~paint~write in a diary~plan a trip~join the gym~push as hard as you can with your hands against a wall~make funny video clips with your camera~learn a new hobby~do some gardenning~wash your car~walk your dog or borrow a friend's dog if you don't have one~write a poem or a song~make a fun list of celebrities you would like to have sex with~masturbate~have sex with your partner or someone your trust and care about~make a list of things that make you happy (travelling, the beach...etc)~think of a nice moment you had in your day or a compliment your recieved~volunteer somewhere~ call someone or write to someone you like and have not spoken to in a while~go to the mall or a park and do some people watching and try to imagine what they are thinking~take an art class, spanish class, tai chi..etc~play or learn how to play the guitar or a musical instrument~go to your church or pray~make a vision board~write a thank you letter to someone who has made a difference in your life and tell them why (you dont have to send it if you dont want to)~make a list of people you admire or want to be like and describe what it is you admire about them~Draw a picture~color in a coloring book~Read a trashy magazine~sign up for a class online~write a story about either the funniest, craziest or sexiest and fun thing that has happened to you~write a letter to god~ go do the groceries~go to a museum~go to the zoo~go to a spa~turn on some loud music you like and sing away~clean that cluttered closet or drawer~go to a hockey game or sporting event~go to a concert~take a cooking class or cake decorating class~get on the bus or metro andx go somewhere you have never been~go bowling~go play pool~go to the arcade~play on your nintendo or xbox etc~go look at funny clips on youtube~do some stretching exercises~do something nice for someone~play a board game with a friend~join an internet dating service~brush your pets or play ball with them~go throw your clothes and give the ones you dont need anymore to a local charity or salvation army... The point is have a list ready, catch yourself right away when you know you are not feeling well or are about to panic or cut etc. Of course if you have a problem with shopping, don't chose shopping as an option, if you have a problem with drinking, perhaps stay away from going to play pool at a bar...etc. Pick what is good for you. Another good trick is to set aside half an hour every day even when you are feeling good and do an activity you enjoy. Its not just about getting rid of anxiety or panic attacks and depression and only using this list when in crisis...you have to add joy to your life :o) I hope this helps and again thank you for reading me :o)

LIfe skills part 2

So in our group meeting on the second week for life skills we started talking about "Tolerating compulsions or distress"

Again i will do my best to explain what i got from it.

Ok so let's say something stressful happens, anything that sets you off to normally either drink, cut, shop...ect you know what i mean. Well on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being in full blown panic or cutting ect...and let's say 2 at the begining before you have lost control. Well we are being taught that it is a matter of trying to catch yourself at 2 and right away do something different. When we are at 10, we have pretty much lost control, and our judgments, decisions are not very good since at this point we are basically reasoning with our emotions and not our head and logic. So most of our decisions or things done in this state are usually not trustworthy. We act without thinking.
When we are getting to level 10 basically we are looking for instant gratification.
So this is of course about learning how to tolerate the pain and get through it without jumping to bad coping skills.

We did not get that far into it but here are some of the distractions one can try using these are a few which may not work for everyone. For example, shopping or browsing at the mall can be a good distraction for someone but not if you are a compulsive shopper get my drift?

SHOPPING:
If you have a hard time with shopping compulsively you can try the following, when i go into a store i can of course convince myself i need everything in there, so i tell myself leave it there continue shopping for what you actually came for and if you decide in an hour that you really need it, come back to get it. Well 99% of the time i do not come back!

CUTTING:
Use a red marker and draw where you would cut, or even red nail polish so it looks like blood.
Take an ice cube and hold it in your hand for as long as you can. Take an elastic band around your wrist and  snap it until it hurts.

PANIC OR NEVER ENDING SPINNING THOUGHTS:
Get out of the house even if just to go to corner store, it changes your perspective. Go for a short walk. Do a puzzle. Play with your cats. Call a friend right away and start talking about something else. Take a nap. Put your wrists under freezing water, put freezing water on your neck, i find this one helps a lot and brings me back to the present. If you are feeling guilty, ask yourself do i really have something to feel guilty about, most of the time YOU DON'T have anything to feel guilty about or are over exagerating it.

I carry a list of like 3 pages long with me of activities i know will distract me MOST of the time. We were also given a list of things to do to distract yourself. I will write those in my following blog. But planning ahead with a list is quite good.

And remember if you are at a 10 and feel like you will lose control (first you wont) but still, or feel suicidal or anything. Tracom is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and as i keep repeating they are angles at helping with any situation. Again here are their numbers 514-483-3033 or 1-877-483-3033.

Thanks for reading me :o)

Life skills part 2 to be coming soon....

A bit lost...

So I can't talk for other BPD people, but as i go through therapy i am finding close ones have higher expectations then others. It sometimes feels like i am always being watched to see if i will fuck up or not, or some people seem to be waiting for me to fuck up in some way or another not realizing this is quite a long process. I still catch myself to be on my best behavior or in "people pleasing" mode but i must admit it starts to get draining after a while since the point of therapy is to learn to know ME and trust myself, my judgments and opinions. I also realize that some parts of me I really do like and do not wish to change those parts and some of these parts may not be liked by close ones and they may have expectations that these parts of me will change. I am struggling not to jump back into "people pleasing" mode and stick to what i like about myself no matter what close ones to me think, or whether they agree or not. That unfortunatly brings up my big fear of abandonment. I get scared that if i stick to being the real me with parts that close ones do not like, they will leave. I also get confused, i am scared to be very unlikable or hard to be around without even noticing i do anything as i rarely if ever have bad intentions. A lot of people have already taken distance from me or completely left. I am fighting the urge to just isolate myself from everyone and push them away before they leave. It's often very scary to think i know myself or getting to know myself, that i have good intentions, always try my best and to then realize that other's do not see that at all. They see someone that is too much to handle, or someone unpleasant to be around....I am finding this particularly hard.

Thanks for reading me :o)

BPD short explanation

So i have realized many  people reading this would probably like a short version of what bpd is...so will do my best to write it as simple and short and possible.

So basically we all, since we were young, think we are bad people that are unworthy of love or anything good. We are extremly sensitive and feel all emotions to the extreme. When something bad  or stressful happens, we jump to a bad behavior....drinking, drugs, cutting, isolation, self medication, eating, not eating, pulling hair, shopping or spending money, suicidal thoughts or attempts..ect the list is long.  We have no clue how to handle the pain and all the extreme emotions so we want to numb them immediatly cause it seems just too much to handle for us since we feel things a lot and i do mean A LOT stronger then most people and it becomes overwhelming and it is stronger then us to jump to these bad behaviors even know deep down somewhere we know they are bad for us and will not fix anything, it is a HUGE struggle to not do this, it seems to me only with therapy and a lot of practice can one overcome this and learn to jump to good coping skills, healthy ones and not let the emotions overwhelm us. There i hope this helps  a little. I would really love it if someone non BPD would post something about how they see us...again thank you for reading me :o)

Being diagnosed late in life...

I have just finished watching a special on tv about kids with ocd. They were followed by a tv reporter for a year. The 3 kids they followed were in intense therapy and pretty much going through hell. It was a very good report and it made me think the following about being diagnosed with BPD at 34. When you are older and get diagnosed with a mental illness i believe it is not the same as when you are still at home under the legal age, i see it differently, when you hear about a child with a mental illness, you feel sorry for them, you tend to want to help them. The whole family (not in every situation I know) participates in the therapy. But when you are diagnosed with a mental illness at the age of 34 it's not exactly the same. People don't look at you as they would a child. A lot of people look at you as if you are crazy or mostly since you are an adult they look at you as if you SHOULD know better, because you are an adult afterall, you should be responsible and know better and do better but it is very similar for me it seems as with a child except i lived with this the most of my adult life suffering without knowing what i had. I also need the same type of help, support and therapy as a child would but that is not always the case. Their seems to be more judgment and it seems harder for people to understand and not to get angry since peole have a hard time letting go of the fact that i am struggling just as much even though i am an adult and should know better.

This is of course my opinion...please be patient with us and don't give up on us :0)

Quote

" You teach people how to treat you "

Me and one of my bad compulsions or i should say one of my bad coping skill

Well, again this is hard to write....
    Within the last 2 months i have been having an extremly hard time with my budget. In the beginning of my therapy, my individual therapist and i made a budget so i could learn how to manage money (yes i know i am 36 and have no clue how to manage money!). It is one of my biggest compulsions. A lot of bad things or big issues came up within the last few months, and although i had been doing very well, when things got hard i started spending. Not on big things, but just spending without looking at my budget and without noticing until one day i sat down realizing i had not looked at my budget in a while, well what a hole i dug MYSELF into, my rent check even bounce, i have no money for the bus and food, it is really EMBARRASSING that i am 36 and that i did this, i have anxiety just writing this and wondering what i will do . It is now causing me stress, anxiety on some days panic attacks and about a week ago i cut myself one day. Many sleepless nights wondering how i will pay everything and get out of this hole. I must borrow money again and the embarrassment and guilt are overwhelming. I have to start at zero and get myself out of this hole somehow. This is a compulsion many of my fellow therapy friends have, some have others that are a bigger issue for them.
We don't do this on purpose, in therapy they will teach us how to identify when i start this compulsion and catch myself before too much damage has happened, and the more i practice the more i will catch myself earlier and earlier and eventually stop doing it altogether but it is VERY hard. We do not do this on purpose, i most of the time don't even notice at all. Someone had to tell me this time because i was not noticing at all, its scary, humiliating and very embarrassing. It's very hard to explain to someone who does not have BPD, and it's very scary to look back at yourself and see what you have done without noticing. Now, my days are half consumed with "what will i do". And i am trying very very hard to not jump to another compulsion due to this, i do get the urge to cut, drink, self medicate etc etc to not feel this shame and worry.

Thank you for reading me :o)

Distress tolerance

Ok, so yesterday i started a new group called Life Skills...it is once a week and i will try to share as much as possible.

Yesterday we identified  bad life coping skills and how they affect us, in future classes we will learn healthy coping skills instead of the sometimes very bad ones we use. These are some of the ways we try to numb the sometimes overwhelming  pain.

1-Self medicating (drugs, prescribed or not, alcohol, over the counter medication and even caffeine)
   Even over the counter meds, like gravol, benadryl anything that numbs you can become addictive. Over  
   using your anti anxiety meds (you know what they are, ativan, clonazeapm, xanax, rivotril, zyprexa zidis,
   vallium, clonopin..etc etc.
   Some of the consequences are: making you more stressed, worrying others, overdose, extreme shame
   when you wake up the next day, depression from abuse, overwhelming guilt...etc etc.

ps. caffeine can really affect anxiety and sleep, I now drink one HUGE caffeinated expresso or coffee in morning and i bought myself some good decaf for the rest of the day and i really do see a difference, this is a very easy way to cut down your anxiety a bit.

2- Food (overeating, purging, binging, not eating)
     This can lead to medical problems, it can also be worry a lot of close ones, and then the guilt after the
      pleasure always kicks in. Feeling shame..and many others....

3- Avoiding problems ( isolating yourself from friends and family, not leaving the house, oversleeping)
     This will make you even more stressed the longer you go without seeing people and your spinning
      thoughts will get worse and worse and overly dramatized, sometimes paranoia will kick in as well.
      Then of course the inevitable guilt will kick  in as it always does, since we all seem to feel guilty about
     everything.

4- Excessive and compulsive shopping (that is a big one for me).
     Well the obvious "DEBT" which leads to extreme anxiety, sleepless nights worrying. Panic attacks
      Lack of sleep, embarrasement to have to borrow money all the time

5-Cutting, pulling hair, picking at skin
     Leaves scars, embarassing, guilt, could cut at the wrong place or too deep and end up dying, having to
     hide your scars (long sleeves in summer)

6-Overwork
     Miss out on seeing family and friends, lack of sleep...etc

7-Drama and gossip (perfect way to avoid yourself since you become engrossed in other peole's lives)
    End up with no friends, guilt

8-Promiscuity
    Having sex drunk with strangers, pregnancy, std's, aids, embarrasment

9-Suicidal thoughts, threats or attempts
    Obviously dangerous

10-Reckless driving, driving drunk
      Can lead to accident

11-Gambling
      Loss of money, anxiety, lack of sleep, panic attacks

12-Blaming others or the situation and getting angry
      Losing friends, guilt, shame

Most of these lead to relationship problems whether with friends, family or life partner.


There are others these are the major ones. Soon i will start posting positive ways to cope with problems :o)
 

Don't be shy....

Don't be shy to share your experiences someone may learn from it, including me and it's anonymous :O)

A quote i like

"If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is" unknown author.

Ignorance

I wanted to share something that happened to me this week. I had a mini difference of opinion with someone who got really mad, and proceeded to say in so many words that my opinions did not count and that i did not make any sense at all because i have bpd. This had never happened to me before, it occured to me perhaps this happens to others with bpd. I have to say 7 or 8 months ago, that would have set me off to either a panic attack, major anxiety, crying and believing what the person was saying. I would have begged for forgiveness and ignored my own beliefs or opinions just to please the person. But i didnt i politely said it was too bad he saw it that way and said my goodbyes.
Those are the moments i realize that therapy is starting to work in certain ways. Never change your beliefs or opinions to please someone. Be true to yourself. It gets easier and easier :o)

Toxic friends

The weird thing about BPD is that we are not stupid people AT ALL. Sometimes in a group meeting we go into deep conversations, and i take a a look back and think, i think some people would not be able to follow us. We are very intelligent and most of us see exactly what we are doing and how simple it seems and most of all how simple it probably seems to others to change what we do. Most of us know most of what we learn in therapy, not all of it especially the tricks and things like that. But we see what we do, we know we should change it and we don't. It is very very frustrating to get it all and see it all but not being able to apply to your lives. A huge part of me getting better was to get rid of some people in my life which was really really hard to do. As i started down this road of BPD i started realizing that i never really felt good around certain people. I was always trying to please them and could never me just ME. I was for some reason clinging on to these people. After a few months in therapy, i started realizing how i had let a lot of these people treat me without noticing. I am always preaching to others, "you teach people how to treat you", well i wasn't following my own words. So i ended up cutting a few people i really loved and still do out of my life, either because they were consuming too much or treating me in ways i didn't like. It was hard but what a difference in made in my life. It took out a lot of the stress. You may want to look around you and start noticing how you feel around certain friends or family members and see if they are good for you right now or not. :o)

Few ideas on radical acceptance

 OK so in therapy we learned about radical acceptance. I will write out the page we were given about it.

Radical acceptance of certain things in your life

- When a person is in pain, their first reaction is often to get angry, upset, or blame someone/something. Unfortunately, no matter who you blame for your distress, the pain still exists and you continue to suffer. In some case, the angrier you get the worse you will feel.

- Getting angry or upset also stops you from seeing what is really happening, being "blinded by rage". Criticizing yourself or being over judgmental of a situation can blind you so that you miss the details and fail to see things as they really are. By getting angry and thinking that a situation should never have happened, you're missing the point that it did happen and you have to deal with it. 

- Being overly critical about a situation also prevents you from taking steps to change that situation. You can't change the past. If you spend your time fighting the past, wishfully thinking that your anger will change the outcome of an event that has already happened, you'll become paralyzed and helpless. Nothing will improve. 

- In short, getting angry at a situation, yourself, or another person often leads to more pain, missed details, and paralysis. 

- Radical acceptance: acknowledge your present situation, whatever it is, without judging the events or criticizing yourself. Instead, try to recognize that your present situation exists because of a long chain of events that began far in the past. Denying this chain of events does nothing to change what has already happened. Trying to fight this moment or say that it shouldn't be only leads you to more suffering for you.

- Radical acceptance means looking at yourself and your situation, seeing things as they really are. This does NOT mean that you condone or agree with bad behavior in others. It does mean that you STOP trying to change what's happened by getting angry and blaming.

Radical acceptance coping statements

- this is the way it has to be

- all the events in the past have led up to now

- i can't change what's already happened

- it's no use fighting the past

- Fighting the past only blinds me to the present

- The present is the only moment i have control over

- It's a waste of time to fight what has already occured

- The present moment is perfect, even if i don't like what is happening

- This moment is exactly as it should be, given what's happened before it

- This moment is the result of over a million other decisions

- If i keep focusing on the past, i will never be able to let go and enjoy the present

- i can fight this situation or accept it and deal with it and move on

- there is nothing i can do about this right this instant so it's a waste of time to even think about it

Hope this helps some of you :o)

My life and how i got here

Most borderline personality people have the following symptoms or ideas Paranoid ideas Relationship instabilities Angry outburts, affective instability and extreme abandonment fears Impulsive behavior and identity disturbances Suicidal behavior Constant feeling of emptiness A deeply rooted belief that one is a bad person Most of us are extremely sensitive to other people's feelings Their are many personality disorders, from what i have read and learned, bpd is kind of a combination of all of them which makes it very very hard to treat. Patients usually need from 2 to 10 years of therapy to overcome this. I have been in different types of therapy in the last 2 years, and 6 months ago i started a 2 year therapy program at the Allan Memorial institute in Montreal. I can say it is the absolute most difficult thing or road I have ever been on and i still have a long way to go, but it is already starting to change my life in good ways and i find myself very fortunate to have this opportunity but it is a road full of up's and down's. There is however for the first time in my life a light at the end of this dark tunnel. And i do appologize for any grammar errors. This can be very hard for others to understand...i will share a bit of my life and story to hopefully shed some light about this. Before i tell my story, i want to make it clear i am not mad at my family or friends or anyone that is in my story, i will not name anyone but if you recognize yourself in this story i mean no offense at all. I am sharing myself to help others and myself. I have memories as far back as when i was one year old. I remember my babysitter one day brought me to buy me new pants which i did not like but was too shy to tell her. On our way back home from the store, we stopped at friends of hers, once in the house their were about 7 or 8 woman there, i remember sitting on a chair and thinking i don't like these pants, surely someone will notice they are not nice on me. I remember feeling very uncomfortable, wondering how to sit, should i talk or not, will they find me boring if i don't talk. I was about one year old and already i felt i was not good enough and someone already wanted to please people so they would like me. Around the age of three and a half or four, my parents seperated. My dad moved about 40 minutes away. I remember missing him so much one night, i called him and was crying on the phone asking him to come over. Being the loving dad he is he came to visit me. He brought me for a drive, and he told me that i had to be strong going through things like this and to not cry and be "tuff". That somhow stuck in my head, and from then on i became "tuff" and no matter what happened to me in life after that day, i pushed it deep down and always smiled and told everyone i was fine and have been like that ever since, never showing pain, sadness or anger. Around the age of 6 my mom went through a depression and asked me if i would go live with my dad but i wanted to stay with her. She was not well enough to really take care of me. We have talked about this. I felt unwanted and asked her a couple of years if this was in my imagination, she told me that at that time in her life she loved me very much but did not want me around and wished i would have gone to my dad's. She loved me very much but just did not want me there...from then on i have had a feeling of being unwanted in life. This caused me to become a troublesome child always seeking for attention. By the age of twelve i started drinking since i could not face the world sober i had zero self-esteeem, by the age of 16 i was into drugs, hard drugs and was always drunk....no one knew something was wrong with me as i was always the life of the party. I had already learned how to be the fun one, the one people wanted to be around since i knew how to be a cameleon and adapt my behavior to what people wanted, and i was always smiling and fun. I had bulimia. I started smoking cigarettes as well. At around 16, i started going out with a guy. At the begining i was on a pedestal to him....that quickly changed and i found myself into an abusive relationship. It became worse and worse. It started with me not being allowed to see my friends, my whereabouts had to be known at all times, then the insults and verbal abuse began soon to be followed by physical abuse. He would slap me in the face, pull my hair...then it became worse, lifting me up with one hand by the neck and almost choking me to death...peeing on me in the shower. Hitting me with full force. Following me around when i was not with him. Constantly telling me i was ugly and fat, no good and would never amount to anything. One day he hit me so hard while i was driving, he pulled my hair and slammed my face on the driving wheel and i went blind for one minute. That day i left him...the following month was one of the scariest months of my life. He was stalking me. I remember crouching in my bathroom while he was circling the house throwing rocks at the windows and yelling ,trying to get in the house. One day i was driving my car with a very good friend and he started following us with his car and almost made us have an accident. Then one day after my mom had left for work, he walked into the house and locked all the doors, he proceeded to beg me to take him back, he would have done anything, offering to buy me clothes, give me money and saying i could now talk to my friends and do what i want, he was crying but i kept saying no. Then he switch to anger and started saying i had promised him we would make love one last time which was not true, he forced me upstairs and rapped me. He then left before my mom came home for lunch. I never said a word. About a week later he called to tell me he had bought a gun and was going to either kill himself or kill me...i then had to tell my mom he was threatenning me. She immediatly went to talk with him for about 4 hours, to this day i have no clue what she told him but he never bothered me ever again after that. I of course was smiling and saying i was fine, cause i had to be "tuff", so i did not tell anyone what had happenned. After that i started drinking alot more and doing more drugs and had absolutly no self esteem or self worth. All i wanted to do was party away, and of course i always seemed happy and was the life of the party. By this time i had become a pro at hiding my feelings and a pro at acting in whatever way needed to please people, a real cameleon. I knew with this person, that makes them happy so i will act this way and they will like me...i had a ton of friends. I did all of this unconsciously, I only see this now. At 19 I left for Calgary with a one way ticket and 200$ to go live with my now ex husband. I was married 13 years. Many many beautiful years, but we were very disfunctional for each other, even though this person is amazing. The last 2 years of my marriage were very very unhealthy, he was by then a coke addict and i was co-dependant and put all of my happiness on his shoulders. He finally had the sense to leave me. I wanted to leave but did not have the guts. This was my worse fear, abandonment. After my divorce things started going downhill. I jumped to many bpd compulsions, excessive shopping (had to do bankruptcy), drinking, drugs, sleeping around...ANYTHING to take the pain away and to fill that sense of emptiness and loneliness that has followed me my whole life. About 2 years ago, i could not function at work anymore and had to go on a sick leave. I became pregnant after a drunken night of sex. I had to get an abortion, one of the worse and most painful experience of my life. I ended up a month in the hospital since they did not do the procedure correctly. This happenned in the month of august. I went into a severe depression. I pushed away my best friend, the one who understood me the most. That was just as hard as losing my husband. Other friends and some family members slowly went away. I pushed them all away with my scary overwhelming behavior. I was too much for anyone to handle. The few friends that stayed were angels for being for me. But i was soon pretty much alone. I could not get out of bed, had no desire to eat, clean, see anyone, some days i would not even want to shower and had to be forced. When december came around, i hung out with a girl who was a cutter and she made it sound so releiving....one night i was drinking alone and all of my emotions came out so i took a bread nice and cut my arms from wrists to elbows all the way around my arms, about 25 cuts on each arms going all around the arms...and that was MY hitting rock bottom of my life. These are some of the big things that happened to me in my life. There are many other things but these were the big ones....this is where my life took a turn and where i finally got the help i needed. My whole life i thought i was alone with this sometimes crazy mind of mind, i thought no one else on the planet thought like me and that i must be crazy. The only person that kind of understood me the most was my best friend which i had also pushed away as i mentionned earlier. There are many people in my family with severe bi-polar, my grandmother shot herself in front of my aunt a month before i was born. That aunt has severe bi-polar as well, and my family but mostly my mom has had to take care of her her whole life. By that time, i thought perhaps that was what i had, but something was different and i was then diagnosed with BPD which i had never heard of. When i went to my first therapy group session and others started talking, i was SHOCKED, i was thinking there are others like me out there, they speak my language, they get it they understand. I AM NOT ALONE....i cried for about 2 days when i got home after that. Tears of relief. Which brings me to today. Alot of the experiences i just wrote affected me quite a bit....perhaps a friend or family member that is close to a bpd person might understand by reading this that we, from a very young age for various reasons feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy and believe we are bad people....which explains our compulsions to either drink, do drugs, cut, have sex with strangers, go on shopping sprees, binge eat, stop eating, help others to the point of forgetting about ourselves, we are sensitive to other people's feelings....the list goes on. I can be in a room with 10 people and if one person is not feeling well, i can feel it very strongly, and it gives me so much pain to think someone is not ok or hurting, i want to do anything to make them feel better, it is stronger then me. And when those feelings of emptiness, sadness or rage, which we have no clue how to express, we will do ANYTHING to numb them by jumping to one of those compulsions. We also have no sense of self identity, when one has spent a lifetime of being what we think others want us to be in order to feel loved or wanted, when we stop that, then we are left with "who am i", who am i when i am not trying to be what others want me to be...we dont know ourselves at all. Most of us suffer from panick attacks, severe anxiety, bouts of depressions, bouts of highs, some days the world makes no sense to us at all, we feel unreal, or as if things aren't real, alone, suicidal thoughts, not being able to trust our own feelings or knowing what is real and what is imagined, we have bouts of paranoia and imagine no one likes us, how could they, we believe we are horrible people, the feeling of emptiness and loneliness are so strong some days it feels unbearable. Everything is black and white, no grey. On bad days even during all this therapy, i can say personally, i need extra love and attention. I have once spent 2 weeks locked in my room hiding from the world. I was once convinced for a week that i was so horrible that i was a sociopath. This is very hard on people around us and very very hard to understand and a lot of friends or family members do not understand at all and do not know how to deal with us and just leave. It can be very lonely at times. I cant imagine those of you who live with this without help. The help i am getting is saving me and my life. As therapy moves along i am starting to understand and know myself a lot better. I am learning how to express my anger and sadness in a healthy way, how to be vulnerable, how to trust my feelings. It gets better and better but there are still many days where you are right back to where you were and those days are very hard and lonely and it is extremely hard to not jump into my compulsions, sometimes i fuck up and run to one of my compulsions but slowly I am starting to learn how to prevent ahead from running to my compulsions or how to stop it by myself, and other times i just cant yet. I am learning tools to deal with these compulsions, to deal with anxiety or panic attacks, suicidal thoughts or urges to cut or any of the above compulstions. It is a long road to beomcing ME. In future posts i will be sharing some of the tools i am learning and exercises and so forth. This was very very hard for me to write, it is not easy to put yourself out there and to show your faults to the world but this is very very important to me as i want to make a difference and help others, that is why i chose to share these very private experiences and thoughts of mine. Thank you for reading

Bouts of depression

Bouts of dep, ression can happen in a split second and they are not fun at all. They are hard to understand...I often get bouts of depression when i realise i fucked up without noticing, jumped into one of my compulsions. For example and again this is very hard to write for all to see, last month i fucked up my budget once again. I did not even notice, spent money here and there, didn't buy anything major either, but when it came time to pay my bills i had no money and now when i look back i see it clearly, i was on a bit of a high and just spent away without calculating aything, it can be pretty scary to kind of wake up all of a sudden and look back at "that" person that is YOURSELF. For me when this happens it's hard to not get depressed and its very embarassing to ask for help. I will usually hide and stop answering the phone. I will feel like i am in a dark hole with absolutly nothing to look forward to and nothing gives me any type of pleasure and i feel like i am doomed to be this way forever no matter how hard i try and god knows i do...this is when its easy to jump to another compulsion to make the pain of the depression from the first compulsion fuck up go away. I have in the past either stayed in my room for 2 weeks, gone on drinking binges etc etc. Anything to forget. I can see how unreasonable and how hard this must be for close ones to understand. When depressed, its a feeling of not being worth anything, useless in the world, a burden to others, feeling unwanted, this is also where sometimes the suicidal thoughts and the thought of cutting comes in. It is a very dark cycle and hard to get out of. You have to pick yourself up once again and start over. I am lucky i have therapy to help me through this and believe me just getting to therapy when one feels like this is not easy...but i cant imagine people out there without theapy and no family or friends that understand this. In therapy we are told and taught a few of the following tricks.
Force yourself to get dressed even for just an hour
Call a friend and talk about something else
Watch something funny on tv
Get out of the house and go for a walk even if just for 10 minutes
Remember that this shall pass even if it seems like it will never end, it always passes, this is not THE time where you will stay like this
Take a hot bath
Play with your pets
if you have any suicidal thoughts CALL TRACOM 514-483-3033 or 1-877-483-3033 or if you have someone you know can handle this and talk to you call them but if not call tracom they will help you.

Feeling disconnected from the world...Life through rose colored glasses

Sometimes i often feel (and hear from others in therapy) disconnected from friends, family and the world. I have found a small way to feel someone connected to the world and feel like i mean something in the world. I have realised i can make my own connections with strangers sometimes when i feel disconnected from close ones. When i am having one of these bad days for example if i am taking a taxi that day, i will strike up a conversation with the taxi driver, and sometimes they are quite chatty hahah. My taxi drive may only be ten minutes but by being friendly and listenning to the taxi driver and asking him questions about himself usually puts them in a fun mood and they start openning up and it becomes a pleasant drive, sometimes they will not talk about anything really important but they are smiling away because someone is listenning, and sometimes you learn things from the person if you really listen. I get out of the cab and usually feel a bit better since i connected with someone or made them smile.
If i go to the super market and the cashier is not in a good mood, instead of getting mad i will say a comment like "long day, i see you guys are busy" and 99% of the time their mood switches right away to a better mood, then they are nice to the person behind you, and that person smiles at someone else... i like that a lot! It's  kind of my way of spreading joy and making my world and what am surrounded with a happy place.
Once i went to the dollar store and there was a line up and the guy in front of me was counting his pennies and was missing something like 2$ so i just gave it to him, he was sooooooooo happy, then the cashier and people behind me were all smiling and it changed the mood around me. Just to say that it can be a choice to be surrounded by happiness....i could chose to get angry at the cashier not in a good mood, or from waiting in line, or thinking what a chatty annoying cab driver, but instead since i am stuck in that situation in the present moment, and will always be at some point in some situations like these i prefer to make them a happy experience.
Its also very suprising how if you are open to talk to someone on the bus or i even chat with homeless people sometimes, and its incredible what you can learn from them sometimes. One just has to really listen.

Try it today, smile at a stranger. Be kind to someone that is in a bad mood and change the situation around. Engage in the discussion with the old man sitting next to you on the bus...you just might be suprised at how happier it can make your day and make you feel connected to the world in these small little ways :o)

today....

Well how to describe today....things are going so well lately that it scares the shit out of me to the point of having a panic attack. I am feeling overwhelming feelings of guilt and thoughts that i am a horrible person and do not deserve this happiness....so as most bpd people. I am jumping to compulsions almost to make things bad myself since everything was going so well, it seems i prefer to make things go wrong by myself so life doesnt throw something at me cause to me it feels like its impossible that these good feelings and things going well is deserved or will last....What i am supposed to do when this happens, what i was thought to do in therapy is to use the tools they have taught me to not jump into a bad compulsions, but fucking bpd took over and i cut myself which i had not done in quite a few months. It was stronger then me, all of my ugly feelings came out and the urge was uncontrolable. The worse part of it is that cutting feels really good on the moment, a huge relief but it does not last long and then the guilt of having done it is horrible. Its a horrible cycle. As you can now all see, i have only been in therapy 6 months and although things are going better there are days like today when i feel i have taken 20 steps back and nothing has change. I know deep down that this too shall pass and it should get easier and easier to stop myself. This again is very very hard to share but i must do it and be honest and put myself out there so that those with BPD going through this without therapy can see they are not alone in the world.

Ways to try to avoid cutting that we were told was to use a red pen and draw red lines instead of cutting.
Also one can scream in a pillow, punch the pillow.
One can call a friend that one knows it will not overwhelm the friend.
One could call tracom, they are open 24 hours a day with magnificent people to talk to.

thank you for reading these very very difficult things to admit, but i must must write these. It is sooooooo important to me if this even helps just ONE person that is alone out there and does not have help or does not know what they have...because before i knew what i had, it was hell to think i was alone.

Video to give an idea of what BPD is....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt9SOvILMI8

Certain ways to help with anxiety, this can be helpful for anyone :o)

Learning to relax and soothe yourself is very very important for any situation and for many reasons. When you're relaxed, you body feels better. It also functions in a healthier way. In a state of relaxation, your heart beats more slowly and your blood pressure is severly reduced. Your body is no longer in a state of constant emergency, preparing to either confront a stressful situation or run away from it. And it is better and healthier for those around you, it often has the effect of calming them down too. As a result, it's easier for your brain to think of healthier ways to cope with the situation. 




It makes a big difference to sooth and relax your 5 senses


Sense of smell

Ex: Burn scented candles or incense in your room or house, find a scent that is pleasing to you.
Go some place where the scent is pleasing to you, like a bakery, a garden, a park.
Bake foods that have a comforting smell to you.
Buy fresh cut flowers that smells a way you like and sooths you


These are just examples a few examples.


Sense of vision(Large portion of our brain is devoted solely to our sense of sight. The things you look at  can often have very powerful effects on you, for better or worse.


Ex: Go through magazines of things you like (cooking books,photography books..etc) which is full of pictures.
keep a picture of somthing that makes you smile and happy in your wallet for you to always have on you (picture taken on vacation, picture of a loved one)
Go look at something you like (zoo, gardens, parks...etc)
Watch only funny things on tv, or funny movies. Anything that makes you smile.
Go browse at a book store even if only for 5 minutes.


Sense of hearing


Ex: Play fun soothing music, nothing depressing.
Open a window listen to the birds or sound of cars going by.
Buy a cd or nature sounds you like for bedtime.
Open a faucet, shut your eyes and listen to water.




Sense of taste


Ex: i think i dont need to give many examples here as almost everyone loves to eat haha.
Buy yourself a bar of your favorite chocolate. Go to a restaurant for your favorite dessert. Bake or cook something you love. (and stop worrying about your weight once in a while is really ok! haha)


sense of touch


Ex: Take a hot or cold shower and enjoy the feeling of water on you (this will go with mindfulness which i will talk about in future posts. Take a hot bath with scented candles while perhaps eating a little treat, put some music on. 
Go get a massage.
Pet your animals.
Wear comfortable clothes that feel good to the skin.
Massage your self even just your hands, feet or legs.

Doing this regularly really helps with anxiety. ENJOY :o)

A place to get some help for anyone in a crisis can use this number matter what the issue is.

I will also start by adding a telephone number that is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for anyone who needs to talk to someone, this applies to everyone even if you do not have BPD. One with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts or any problems may call here. It's called Tracom and the people there are angels and amazing at what they do. In montreal the number is             514-483-3033       and the toll free number is            1-877-483-3033      . Perhaps this will help someone :o)

why?

1:33 in the am...cant sleep. I feel happy and nervous. With bpd it is so deeply rooted that we think we are bad people and that things dont go well...and right now things are going very well, i feel very good, very scary, i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, its as if its too good to be true. Usually when i feel this way, i jump into one of my compulsions and unconsciously make things go bad before it happens, so it doesnt suprise me when it comes. The trick i am now learning in therapy is to recognize this and try not to jump into a compulsion by doing something positive...easier said then done. Takes A LOT of practice. Why do we believe we dont deserve happiness or believe things should not go well?

This is something that was given to me in therapy which i find very helpful, i even keep it on my fridge, hope it will help some of you. Feel free to ask any questions, i will do my best to answer them. 


Your legitimate rights as a person


1. You have the right to need things from others.
2. You have a right to put yourself first sometimes.
3. You have a right to feel and express your emotions or your pain.
4. You have the right to be the final judge of your beliefs and accept them as 
     legitimate.
5. You have the right to your opinions and convictions
6. You have the right to your experience-even if it's different from that of other people.
7. You have a right to protest any treatment or criticism that feels bad to you.
8. You have a right to negotiate for change.
9. You have a right to ask for help, emotional support, or anything else you need 
     (even thought you may not always get it).
10. You have a right to say no; saying no doesn't make you bad or selfish
11. You have a right not to justify yourself to others.
12. you have a right not to take responsibility for someone else's problem.
13. You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation
14. You have a right, sometimes, to inconvenience or disappoint others. 
15. You have a right to trust yourself even if others don't 
16. You have a right to change your mind.
17. A judgment is not a challenge.


Everyone is worthy enough to apply this to their lives. Remember though others have the same rights for example, if you ask someone for something they also have the right to say no without justifying themselves. This can be very difficult for bpd people but the trick is to try to never take it personally.