I have always believed that one attracts what is in their lives. I lost a ton of friends when i was diagnosed with bi polar and bpd. It really hurt for a while. Now that i look back though i realise they were not good people for me and it is for the best. Most of those people were toxic to me and vice versa.
I have had a good friend for the past years. I met her at a cafe where i go and she was a waitress there. Lately we have become really good friends and quite close. She is calm, very relaxed and positive. Now i have met her two fabulous roomates which are the same. Then i noticed i started attracted the same type of people. For example i was at the dog park the other day and a girl started chatting with me, she was super nice. It's been happening more and more.
In the last weeks, i have also met my friend's friends. I have met her family etc etc. It makes a huge difference in my life.
In no way am i saying i am cured but it really makes a difference. Something to consider perhaps take a good look around you and see what type of friends you have it may change a part of your life.
Thanks for reading me :o)
Monday 17 September 2012
Wednesday 13 June 2012
At a lost...
Well, It has been a while since i have posted many things on here. I have not really blogged much since last september.
For those who read me, i went to detox in december for about a week and was very succesful. Then i was quite depressed for a while. My psychiatrist increased the dosage for my mood stabilizers which did help, but my bi polar is in full play lately.
In february on the 6th to be precise, i woke up with a big headache, finally 2 days later i went to the er. I cant count the amount of times i have been there since. The headache was always there and my right eye swollen most of the time with various weird symptoms like night sweats, fatigue just to name a very few. I have done every test possible that i know of, xrays, mri, ct scan, pet scan, spinal tap, endoscopy, gastro endoscopy and blood tests and nothing to be found so far. I have an ultra sound of the abdomen coming up and another ct scan.
With headaches they may not find anything apparently, and it could just leave. Lately they are not as often but when they are there they are bad. So i have been stuck at home a lot since the more activity i do, or the more i move i should say the worse the headache. This does not help with the depression side of things.
But also, i have been rapid cycling in the past month, high low then high then low. Sometimes high for a few days then low for a few days but mostly all in the same day. So my psychiatrist added an anti psychotic to my meds which is starting to somewhat help.
What is on my mind lately is that i am supposed to re start my bpd program where i left off. They have a spot for me for after my medical issues are fixed. The only thing is that program will not accept that i have bi polar so they dont treat it and start taking me off my medication as soon as i start which makes me crash usually and when my bi polar is in it's full glory, its hard to follow the bpd program. Its already hard with just the bpd.
My psychiatrist is one floor above the bpd program and says this has been a problem for a while. She has had other bi polar patients that also have bpd and once in the treatement, they dont believe its possible to have bpd and bi polar which does not help the person at all and can often do the opposite.
She thinks also due to my age (37) and from having been diagnosed with these 2 illnesses so late in life, i may never be able to work again since i am always all over the place. As she says, if i would have been diagnosed way earlier in life it would be easier. Now it's 37 years of a way of thinking and acting to change and i just may never be able to focus enough to do it. I have known her for about 4 years now, she has been doing this over 20 years and although hard what she says makes sense to me. I start a million projects and never finish them. I go on highs where i am up (like in the past month) at 4 am painting the apartment, cleaning, organizing etc etc. Then i crash and am on a low, it's a constant changing of dose of medication just to have me somewhat balanced which is hard to do. the bi polar seems to be getting bigger and bigger and scarier. Add the bpd in my head with that and its pretty scary in my head sometimes.
So this is where i am right now, confused about my future. Any thoughts from anyone out there with a similar problem?
Thanks for reading me :o)
For those who read me, i went to detox in december for about a week and was very succesful. Then i was quite depressed for a while. My psychiatrist increased the dosage for my mood stabilizers which did help, but my bi polar is in full play lately.
In february on the 6th to be precise, i woke up with a big headache, finally 2 days later i went to the er. I cant count the amount of times i have been there since. The headache was always there and my right eye swollen most of the time with various weird symptoms like night sweats, fatigue just to name a very few. I have done every test possible that i know of, xrays, mri, ct scan, pet scan, spinal tap, endoscopy, gastro endoscopy and blood tests and nothing to be found so far. I have an ultra sound of the abdomen coming up and another ct scan.
With headaches they may not find anything apparently, and it could just leave. Lately they are not as often but when they are there they are bad. So i have been stuck at home a lot since the more activity i do, or the more i move i should say the worse the headache. This does not help with the depression side of things.
But also, i have been rapid cycling in the past month, high low then high then low. Sometimes high for a few days then low for a few days but mostly all in the same day. So my psychiatrist added an anti psychotic to my meds which is starting to somewhat help.
What is on my mind lately is that i am supposed to re start my bpd program where i left off. They have a spot for me for after my medical issues are fixed. The only thing is that program will not accept that i have bi polar so they dont treat it and start taking me off my medication as soon as i start which makes me crash usually and when my bi polar is in it's full glory, its hard to follow the bpd program. Its already hard with just the bpd.
My psychiatrist is one floor above the bpd program and says this has been a problem for a while. She has had other bi polar patients that also have bpd and once in the treatement, they dont believe its possible to have bpd and bi polar which does not help the person at all and can often do the opposite.
She thinks also due to my age (37) and from having been diagnosed with these 2 illnesses so late in life, i may never be able to work again since i am always all over the place. As she says, if i would have been diagnosed way earlier in life it would be easier. Now it's 37 years of a way of thinking and acting to change and i just may never be able to focus enough to do it. I have known her for about 4 years now, she has been doing this over 20 years and although hard what she says makes sense to me. I start a million projects and never finish them. I go on highs where i am up (like in the past month) at 4 am painting the apartment, cleaning, organizing etc etc. Then i crash and am on a low, it's a constant changing of dose of medication just to have me somewhat balanced which is hard to do. the bi polar seems to be getting bigger and bigger and scarier. Add the bpd in my head with that and its pretty scary in my head sometimes.
So this is where i am right now, confused about my future. Any thoughts from anyone out there with a similar problem?
Thanks for reading me :o)
Monday 28 May 2012
Good tool for anxiety and spinning thoughts
Someone the other day told me about this useful trick for either anxiety, panic attacks or just never ending spinning thoughts and it's quite simple.
Stop and start looking at all lines around you. You will find them everywhere like on a brick wall, a frame, hardwood floor, cupboards and that's just inside a house. Outside, the lines that divide the side walk, line on the street etc etc. Once you start focusing on trying to see lines everywhere, believe me you will see them, and soon you start to forget about the anxiety or spinning thoughts. It's pretty much like practicing mindfulness.
Hope this helps :o)
Thanks for reading me :o)
Stop and start looking at all lines around you. You will find them everywhere like on a brick wall, a frame, hardwood floor, cupboards and that's just inside a house. Outside, the lines that divide the side walk, line on the street etc etc. Once you start focusing on trying to see lines everywhere, believe me you will see them, and soon you start to forget about the anxiety or spinning thoughts. It's pretty much like practicing mindfulness.
Hope this helps :o)
Thanks for reading me :o)
Sunday 27 May 2012
It's been a long time...
Hello,
If anyone is still reading my blog i know it has been months since i have written anything as i went through a depression. I will get to it soon however.
Thanks for reading me :o)
If anyone is still reading my blog i know it has been months since i have written anything as i went through a depression. I will get to it soon however.
Thanks for reading me :o)
Monday 23 January 2012
Perceptions and sensitivity
I have not posted in a while since my bpd and depression got the best of me but i decided to post tonight. Hope it will make sense bare with me please :o)
Perceptions for me and most bpd's is a very hard thing, and also often brings on paranoia, sometimes A LOT of paranoia and fears like thinking we have made people angry or hurt them. I will give a short example. I email with my dad on a daily basis. Sometimes when i send him an email he replies with OK! written exactly like that. I became convinced that when he replies that way it meant he was angry with what i was emailing, simply because of the OK in big letters and the exclamation mark. I was trying to figure out and analyse in my head what i had done wrong. So one day i asked him, well i was of course completely wrong!
He was just writing in the way he does with everyone had nothing to do with me at all. We are sometimes so sensitive. Even a tiny remark that is said in what we perceive to be an angry or annoyed tone, can send us into paranoia and never ending spinning thoughts or wondering if that person does not like us anymore, assume right away we must have done something wrong. Sometimes the thoughts spin out of control to the point of our big fear of abandonment and we become convinced that person will leave.
Most people would not even think twice at that remark. When i am feeling well. I try to think it through and consider that i am most likely completely wrong and if i am still unsure i now try to have the courage to ask and end my inside turmoil before it gets out of control. We are very very sensitive.
Thanks for reading me :o)
Perceptions for me and most bpd's is a very hard thing, and also often brings on paranoia, sometimes A LOT of paranoia and fears like thinking we have made people angry or hurt them. I will give a short example. I email with my dad on a daily basis. Sometimes when i send him an email he replies with OK! written exactly like that. I became convinced that when he replies that way it meant he was angry with what i was emailing, simply because of the OK in big letters and the exclamation mark. I was trying to figure out and analyse in my head what i had done wrong. So one day i asked him, well i was of course completely wrong!
He was just writing in the way he does with everyone had nothing to do with me at all. We are sometimes so sensitive. Even a tiny remark that is said in what we perceive to be an angry or annoyed tone, can send us into paranoia and never ending spinning thoughts or wondering if that person does not like us anymore, assume right away we must have done something wrong. Sometimes the thoughts spin out of control to the point of our big fear of abandonment and we become convinced that person will leave.
Most people would not even think twice at that remark. When i am feeling well. I try to think it through and consider that i am most likely completely wrong and if i am still unsure i now try to have the courage to ask and end my inside turmoil before it gets out of control. We are very very sensitive.
Thanks for reading me :o)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)