Well, It has been a while since i have posted many things on here. I have not really blogged much since last september.
For those who read me, i went to detox in december for about a week and was very succesful. Then i was quite depressed for a while. My psychiatrist increased the dosage for my mood stabilizers which did help, but my bi polar is in full play lately.
In february on the 6th to be precise, i woke up with a big headache, finally 2 days later i went to the er. I cant count the amount of times i have been there since. The headache was always there and my right eye swollen most of the time with various weird symptoms like night sweats, fatigue just to name a very few. I have done every test possible that i know of, xrays, mri, ct scan, pet scan, spinal tap, endoscopy, gastro endoscopy and blood tests and nothing to be found so far. I have an ultra sound of the abdomen coming up and another ct scan.
With headaches they may not find anything apparently, and it could just leave. Lately they are not as often but when they are there they are bad. So i have been stuck at home a lot since the more activity i do, or the more i move i should say the worse the headache. This does not help with the depression side of things.
But also, i have been rapid cycling in the past month, high low then high then low. Sometimes high for a few days then low for a few days but mostly all in the same day. So my psychiatrist added an anti psychotic to my meds which is starting to somewhat help.
What is on my mind lately is that i am supposed to re start my bpd program where i left off. They have a spot for me for after my medical issues are fixed. The only thing is that program will not accept that i have bi polar so they dont treat it and start taking me off my medication as soon as i start which makes me crash usually and when my bi polar is in it's full glory, its hard to follow the bpd program. Its already hard with just the bpd.
My psychiatrist is one floor above the bpd program and says this has been a problem for a while. She has had other bi polar patients that also have bpd and once in the treatement, they dont believe its possible to have bpd and bi polar which does not help the person at all and can often do the opposite.
She thinks also due to my age (37) and from having been diagnosed with these 2 illnesses so late in life, i may never be able to work again since i am always all over the place. As she says, if i would have been diagnosed way earlier in life it would be easier. Now it's 37 years of a way of thinking and acting to change and i just may never be able to focus enough to do it. I have known her for about 4 years now, she has been doing this over 20 years and although hard what she says makes sense to me. I start a million projects and never finish them. I go on highs where i am up (like in the past month) at 4 am painting the apartment, cleaning, organizing etc etc. Then i crash and am on a low, it's a constant changing of dose of medication just to have me somewhat balanced which is hard to do. the bi polar seems to be getting bigger and bigger and scarier. Add the bpd in my head with that and its pretty scary in my head sometimes.
So this is where i am right now, confused about my future. Any thoughts from anyone out there with a similar problem?
Thanks for reading me :o)
