today....

Well how to describe today....things are going so well lately that it scares the shit out of me to the point of having a panic attack. I am feeling overwhelming feelings of guilt and thoughts that i am a horrible person and do not deserve this happiness....so as most bpd people. I am jumping to compulsions almost to make things bad myself since everything was going so well, it seems i prefer to make things go wrong by myself so life doesnt throw something at me cause to me it feels like its impossible that these good feelings and things going well is deserved or will last....What i am supposed to do when this happens, what i was thought to do in therapy is to use the tools they have taught me to not jump into a bad compulsions, but fucking bpd took over and i cut myself which i had not done in quite a few months. It was stronger then me, all of my ugly feelings came out and the urge was uncontrolable. The worse part of it is that cutting feels really good on the moment, a huge relief but it does not last long and then the guilt of having done it is horrible. Its a horrible cycle. As you can now all see, i have only been in therapy 6 months and although things are going better there are days like today when i feel i have taken 20 steps back and nothing has change. I know deep down that this too shall pass and it should get easier and easier to stop myself. This again is very very hard to share but i must do it and be honest and put myself out there so that those with BPD going through this without therapy can see they are not alone in the world.

Ways to try to avoid cutting that we were told was to use a red pen and draw red lines instead of cutting.
Also one can scream in a pillow, punch the pillow.
One can call a friend that one knows it will not overwhelm the friend.
One could call tracom, they are open 24 hours a day with magnificent people to talk to.

thank you for reading these very very difficult things to admit, but i must must write these. It is sooooooo important to me if this even helps just ONE person that is alone out there and does not have help or does not know what they have...because before i knew what i had, it was hell to think i was alone.