Me and one of my bad compulsions or i should say one of my bad coping skill

Well, again this is hard to write....
    Within the last 2 months i have been having an extremly hard time with my budget. In the beginning of my therapy, my individual therapist and i made a budget so i could learn how to manage money (yes i know i am 36 and have no clue how to manage money!). It is one of my biggest compulsions. A lot of bad things or big issues came up within the last few months, and although i had been doing very well, when things got hard i started spending. Not on big things, but just spending without looking at my budget and without noticing until one day i sat down realizing i had not looked at my budget in a while, well what a hole i dug MYSELF into, my rent check even bounce, i have no money for the bus and food, it is really EMBARRASSING that i am 36 and that i did this, i have anxiety just writing this and wondering what i will do . It is now causing me stress, anxiety on some days panic attacks and about a week ago i cut myself one day. Many sleepless nights wondering how i will pay everything and get out of this hole. I must borrow money again and the embarrassment and guilt are overwhelming. I have to start at zero and get myself out of this hole somehow. This is a compulsion many of my fellow therapy friends have, some have others that are a bigger issue for them.
We don't do this on purpose, in therapy they will teach us how to identify when i start this compulsion and catch myself before too much damage has happened, and the more i practice the more i will catch myself earlier and earlier and eventually stop doing it altogether but it is VERY hard. We do not do this on purpose, i most of the time don't even notice at all. Someone had to tell me this time because i was not noticing at all, its scary, humiliating and very embarrassing. It's very hard to explain to someone who does not have BPD, and it's very scary to look back at yourself and see what you have done without noticing. Now, my days are half consumed with "what will i do". And i am trying very very hard to not jump to another compulsion due to this, i do get the urge to cut, drink, self medicate etc etc to not feel this shame and worry.

Thank you for reading me :o)