So I can't talk for other BPD people, but as i go through therapy i am finding close ones have higher expectations then others. It sometimes feels like i am always being watched to see if i will fuck up or not, or some people seem to be waiting for me to fuck up in some way or another not realizing this is quite a long process. I still catch myself to be on my best behavior or in "people pleasing" mode but i must admit it starts to get draining after a while since the point of therapy is to learn to know ME and trust myself, my judgments and opinions. I also realize that some parts of me I really do like and do not wish to change those parts and some of these parts may not be liked by close ones and they may have expectations that these parts of me will change. I am struggling not to jump back into "people pleasing" mode and stick to what i like about myself no matter what close ones to me think, or whether they agree or not. That unfortunatly brings up my big fear of abandonment. I get scared that if i stick to being the real me with parts that close ones do not like, they will leave. I also get confused, i am scared to be very unlikable or hard to be around without even noticing i do anything as i rarely if ever have bad intentions. A lot of people have already taken distance from me or completely left. I am fighting the urge to just isolate myself from everyone and push them away before they leave. It's often very scary to think i know myself or getting to know myself, that i have good intentions, always try my best and to then realize that other's do not see that at all. They see someone that is too much to handle, or someone unpleasant to be around....I am finding this particularly hard.
Thanks for reading me :o)
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