The victim role

This one might be tuff to explain but here i go trying my best...So most of us since we are younger, have learned many bad coping skills. When i was young i demanded all the attention at all times. When i became a teenager well, actually around the age of 12 i started drinking, then by the age of 15 i was doing drugs. I worried my mom to death. But in my subconscious, i had leaned that by doing these bad things, i got attention!!! I only see this now. But from then on, it was always like that throughout my life. Whether it was financial problems, drinking or drugs, over spending, getting into all kinds of problems was always a way to get some sort of attention from my parents and sibblings and friends. So i fed right into it. There was always something dramatic going on in my life, and of course it was never my fault. I never saw the part i played in all of this. The victim role. When i would have a problem or a big issue which i had obviously gotten myself into, then i would call, text, email everyone in a panic, everything was always dramatic and a crisis...and yes even if it was a situation that was unfair, i certainly knew how to blow it out of proportion, i ddi not do this on purpose, or should i say, i did not do this realising what i was doing., then i would fall right into the victim, helpless role which everyone needed to rescue. It gave me the attention i was always longing for my whole life. It was the only way I knew how to get it. I will give an example. This is hard to write since it is personal, but like i said, i will share my experiences on here in order to help others understand and perhaps see themselves in some of what i write. So about 2 years ago, i got pregnant, with someone i was not in a relationship with. It was a drunken night and the condom broke. Even though i took the morning after pill, i still got pregnant. And there was no option, with the meds i was taking for my bpd, it was too dangerous to keep the baby so i had to get an abortion. Which was very very hard. The father was not a very nice person, and not exactly supportive whatsoever. I got the abortion, and they did not do it correctly, so i got really sick and ended up in the hospital in and out for about a month until they did the abortion again. Well at that time, it was drama galore, telling all my friends and family about this. How unfair it was that the father of the child had been so rude and mean etc etc. It was not fair that i had to get an abortion and that it did not go well. Well I somehow failed to recognize my part in this, no one forced me to sleep with this guy. I did that all on my own. Yes it was a hard part of my life, very hard. But i did over dramatize, took no responsibilty for any of it and once again fell into the victim role. Poor me, why does this always happen to me, this is really unfair, why did that person treat me so horribly..etc etc. I really expected everyone to drpot their lives and come to the rescue. Now no matter how hard it was, first i should have taken responsibily for my part in this, one does not get pregnant alone. I should not have talked about this all day long complainging to everyone all the time. I should not have over dramatized things to the point of draining everyone around me. I really was playing the role of a victim. Now if this would happen at this point in my life, i certainly would handle it much better. I would first cut off all contact with the father which i should have done last time, as i said he was not nice (and i am being extremely polite here), but i kept talking to him, fight after fight for months. Well now i would cut off all contact from a person like that to start with instead of feeding into that situation. I would still be upset and sad of course. It is not a pleasant thing, and we are allowed to feel these feeling, but we don't have to wollow in them, because then they just become bigger and bigger and bigger. Now i would still talk to my friends about it, but in a very different way. I would not text them 20 times a day in a panic reporting all that had been said or had happenned between me and the father. I would talk to my friends calmly, get over the sadness, accept that this is tthe situation i put MYSELF into, and then i would deal with it in a much healthier way. The type of attention i am so used to getting from me acting out, is not a very good attention, and not the one i want anymore. I can see how i drained certain peple with all my dramatic issues. So like i said if this were to happen now, i would as i said accept that this is the situation, this is where i am, yes it sucks but it is what it is and then instead of sitting there, feeling sorry for myself, feeling abandonned etc etc. I would instead try to find another solution. If no other solution, then i would jump to my list of activities to distract myself. I would not let it consume every minute of my day for months and months. I know understand what therapists say when they say we play the role of the victim. When we self sabotage, it is a way to get attention, the way we have learned to get attention probably since we were all very young.. I now try to take responsibility for my actions, and deal with the consequences. It is ok to feel sadness, anger, pain...etc. But i dont have to feel it for months and months. I can feel it and acknowledge it, then calm down and move to something else, another solution..etc. Now that i see this very clearly and i will continue to try my hardest to not make everything into a big deal, and not only with big situations like, but small ones too. I can apply this to everything in my life. Accept, acknowledge feelings, then move to a plan of action., and always take responsibility for my part in things. It's easier to jump into old patterns of self sabotaging, being the victim in everything and getting this attention we so long for. but its very unhealthy for us and for those around us, it becomes draining for them and i can see that clearly now. We only end up hurting ourselves and others, and we may get temporarely the attention we desire, but it does not last long and it obviously does not work or we would not be repeating these things. My head is all over the place tonight hahahah> i really hope this made sense for some of you out there. Thanks for reading me :o)


I would like to add that i am sooo sorry to all the people i have hurt with this througout my life and for what i have put people through. I am more sorry then words could ever express