Trusting my own decisions

Ooof this is a hard one. As i am getting better on this long road to recovery, i am realising lately not only how hard it is to trust my own decisions but how hard it will be for others to trust that i am making better decisions for myself. I am realising this might be a bit harder then i was thinking.

I and others are so used to me making decisions with my emotions and never really making right ones. Now that i am starting to learn to calm down and think rationally before making a decision i am really getting better at it. Am certainly not a master at it yet, it will take a lot of hard work. But i never thought about how others would see this or how they would act towards this. It is not their fault but they do automatically jump to thinking i don't really know what i am doing and that i am not making good decisions. It's hard because some times i now KNOW FOR SURE after careful thinking that i am making a good decision and not making one on the moment with my emotions without having thought of it.

 But i see how hard it will be for others to trust me and believe me when i make these decisions. It will be a bit of a challenge for me to not doubt myself for a while i am thinking. It is already extremely hard for me to even trust myself in the first place, so when i am really sure about something and someone will disagree with me, i know it will often make me second guess myself or doubt my decisions or opinions. It will take practice to stick to my beliefs, opinions and decision without doubting everything i do or everything i decide.

 It will also require practicing at not jumping into people pleasing mode and to not change my opinions or decisions just to please others. I will often have to stand my ground when i am really sure of something and really let go of what others think unless it is really affecting them directly. This was something i had not considered at all. It is of course not the end of the world and i assume it must be the same for most bpd people who have made horrible choices and decisions on a whim based on emotions and not rational. I think it is part of the process of getting better and learning to trust myself and to also help me to stop trying to please other people :o) I am not mad at these family members and friends, i do get it, they have spent their lives watching me make horribles choices and mistakes and really bad decisions so i guess it will take getting used to for them as well and learning to trust me and my decisions :o)

For example right now while waiting to get into detox, i have a bit of a fear of being depressed after detox. I know i will be somewhat depressed since every morning when i wake up i feel quite depressed before i take my pills. Now normally not even a year ago if i would be going through this i would be absolutely convinced that a severe depression would be coming for sure. I would be depressed ahead of time thinking of the depression. I would picture myself in a feotus positions locked up in my room for months crying away. But that is not how i see it. I am simply trying to be prepared and have a plan ahead of time like i am being taught in therapy.

Now i know very well if i do get depressed it will be nothing like my other depressions since first of all, i am already in therapy and i will be going to rehab 5 days a week. That will automatically get me out of the house, i will see a lot of people daily, and i will have a place with great support where i can talk about my feelings with people going through the same thing. I also have in my head a plan to continue doing activities that bring me pleasure, like baking or writting letters etc. I have been thinking that no  matter how hard it is i will try to add physical activity to my routine about 2 to 3 times a week as i know this helps my mood immensly. Somone very nice suggested i put post its in my house with nice reminders and beautiful saying on them to remind me of good things. I know without a single doubt i will get through this no matter what happens. But it is not like it would have been before i am not planning a depression and almost attracting it by being absolutely sure it will be horrible and predicting dramatically how horrible it will be. I am being somewhat realistic and i know there will be some depression. It may not even be that horrible but i do like the idea of having somewhat of a positive plan ahead of time. I think its good to be prepared and having good things in place ahead of time to make it easier. And yes i would like some support which i do not think is a horrible thing.

So as i am writting this, I am realising that for once in my life i will just trust my opinion and try and let go of what other people are assuming or thinking. They have of course every right to think this since i have said they are right in the way that this has always been my behavior up until now, so i respec them for actually caring and telling me what they think. I guess it will take time for me and my loved ones to start trusting myself. I am very very fortunate to have these people in my life actually caring for me and trying to do what is best for me. THANK YOU FOR CARING AND TRYING TO HELP. It means so much to me more then they will ever know :o)

And again thank you all for reading me :o)