The right to be angry

I am more the quiet borderline personality type. I always always keep my anger inside when it comes to big things that bother me. I feel it for 10 minutes then i push it down somewhere. Been doing it my whole life.

They kept telling me in therapy when i started that I was FULL of anger and i did not really believe them i just could not see it. I was always thinking this way...no no i know bad things and really bas things have happened to me but it could be worse, or that person did not mean it, their are people dying in african from hunger. Basically i did not think i had the right to be angry. I did not realise this til very recently.

I see now that i never expressed my anger because i thought i was not allowed since i think i am a bad person. So by always thinking throughout my life that i was a bad person, well i just had zero right to be angry at anyone, especially close ones that i have hurt many times with bpd. But now i am feeling some anger about a few things in my life, quite a bit of anger and its not going away like it usually does. Then one day i was telling a friend, that yes of course you were not treated correctly about this  certain situation, of course you can say something. Then i CLICKED ahhh hello SO CAN I. So i see now that yes i can be angry sometimes at either certain people or situations when i think i have not been treated nicely. I am good enough to have the right to be angry and expresss it just like everyone else.

Now i have never really delt with anger, just a few few times and when i would get angry those EXTREMELY rare time, watch out it was not pretty. I never hit or did anything like that, but people would freeze on the spot and be horrified since it was an explosion of anger kept inside for years and then i would turn that anger towards ME.

Obviously this is not a healthy way to express anger. Now i know that when i feel angry i must not put it aside or ignore but rather deal with it when it comes so it  does not accumulate forever and then i explode again. So now i am learning how to express my anger in a healthy way, and also by expressing anger you stop carrying all of it around with you all the time. Especially if many things angered you over the years well once you get angry one day at a small thing, alllll the anger for those past things come out and the person in from of you is kind of left speachless as the amount of anger for the present situation is not appropriate. So by now expressing my anger everytime i am angry in a calm healthy way. I will never accumulate all this anger that affects me in many different ways :o) So you too have the right to be angry and to express your feelings, and its much better when done once calm and expressed politely. You may not get what you want from it but you will have let go of your anger.

Thank you for reading me :o)