Hi

IF someone special to me in my life right now is taking the time to read this, I hope it helps them understand me better xxxx

Being surrounded by good people

I have always believed that one attracts what is in their lives. I lost a ton of friends when i was diagnosed with  bi polar and bpd. It really hurt for a while. Now that i look back though i realise they were not good people for me and it is for the best. Most of those people were toxic to me and vice versa.

I have had a good friend for the past years. I met her at a cafe where i go and she was a waitress there. Lately we have become really good friends and quite close. She is calm, very relaxed and positive. Now i have met her two fabulous roomates which are the same. Then i noticed i started attracted the same type of people. For example i was at the dog park the other day and a girl started chatting with me, she was super nice. It's been happening more and more.

In the last weeks, i have also met my friend's friends. I have met her family etc etc. It makes a huge difference in my life.

In no way am i saying i am cured but it really makes a difference. Something to consider perhaps take a good look around you and see what type of friends you have it may change a part of your life.


Thanks for reading me :o)

At a lost...

Well, It has been a while since i have posted many things on here. I have not really blogged much since last september.

For those who read me, i went to detox in december for about a week and was very succesful. Then i was quite depressed for a while. My psychiatrist increased the dosage for my mood stabilizers which did help, but my bi polar is in full play lately.

In february on the 6th to be precise, i woke up with a big headache, finally 2 days later i went to the er. I cant count the amount of times i have been there since. The headache was always there and my right eye swollen most of the time with various weird symptoms like night sweats, fatigue just to name a very few. I have done every test possible that i know of, xrays, mri, ct scan, pet scan, spinal tap, endoscopy, gastro endoscopy and blood tests and nothing to be found so far. I have an ultra sound of the abdomen coming up and another ct scan.

With headaches they may not find anything apparently, and it could just leave. Lately they are not as often but when they are there they are bad. So i have been stuck at home a lot since the more activity  i do, or the more i move i should say the worse the headache. This does not help with the depression side of things.

But also, i have been rapid cycling in the past month, high low then high then low. Sometimes high for a few days then low for a few days but mostly all in the same day. So my psychiatrist added an anti psychotic to my meds which is starting to somewhat help.

What is on my mind lately is that i am supposed to re start my bpd program where i left off. They have a spot for me for after my medical issues are fixed. The only thing is that program will not accept that i have bi polar so they dont treat it and start taking me off my medication as soon as i start which makes me crash usually and when my bi polar is in it's full glory, its hard to follow the bpd program. Its already hard with just the bpd.

My psychiatrist is one floor above the bpd program and says this has been a problem for a while. She has had other bi polar patients that also have bpd and once in the treatement, they dont believe its possible to have bpd  and bi polar which does not help the person at all and can often do the opposite.

She thinks also due to my age (37) and from having been diagnosed with these 2 illnesses so late in life, i may never be able to work again since i am always all over the place. As she says, if i would have been diagnosed way earlier in life it would be easier. Now it's 37 years of a way of thinking and acting to change and i just may never be able to focus enough to do it. I have known her for about 4 years now, she has been doing this over 20 years and although hard what she says makes sense to me. I start a million projects and never finish them. I go on highs where i am up (like in the past month) at 4 am painting the apartment, cleaning, organizing etc etc. Then i crash and am on a low, it's a constant changing of dose of medication just to have me somewhat balanced which is hard to do. the bi polar seems to be getting bigger and bigger and scarier. Add the bpd in my head with that and its pretty scary in my head sometimes.

So this is where i am right now, confused about my future. Any thoughts from anyone out there with a similar problem?

Thanks for reading me :o)

Good tool for anxiety and spinning thoughts

Someone the other day told me about this useful trick for either anxiety, panic attacks or just never ending spinning thoughts and it's quite simple.

Stop and start looking at all lines around you. You will find them everywhere like on a brick wall, a frame, hardwood floor, cupboards and that's just inside a house. Outside, the lines that divide the side walk, line on the street etc etc. Once you start focusing on trying to see lines everywhere, believe me you will see them, and soon you start to forget about the anxiety or spinning thoughts. It's pretty much like practicing mindfulness.

Hope this helps :o)

Thanks for reading me :o)

It's been a long time...

Hello,
   If anyone is still reading my blog i know it has been  months since i have written anything as i went through a depression. I will get to it soon however.

Thanks for reading me :o)

Perceptions and sensitivity

I have not posted in a while since my bpd and depression got the best of me but i decided to post tonight. Hope it will make sense bare with me please :o)

Perceptions for me and most bpd's is a very hard thing, and also often brings on paranoia, sometimes A LOT of paranoia and fears like thinking we have made people angry or hurt them. I will give a short example. I email with my dad on a daily basis. Sometimes when i send him an email he replies with OK! written exactly like that. I became convinced that when he replies that way it meant he was angry with what i was emailing, simply because of the OK in big letters and the exclamation mark. I was trying to figure out and analyse in my head what i had done wrong. So one day i asked him, well i was of course completely wrong!

He was just writing in the way he does with everyone had nothing to do with me at all. We are sometimes so sensitive. Even a tiny remark that is said in what we perceive to be an angry or annoyed tone, can send us into paranoia and never ending spinning thoughts or wondering if that person does not like us anymore, assume right away we must have done something wrong. Sometimes the thoughts spin out of control to the point of our big fear of abandonment and we become convinced that person will leave.

Most people would not even think twice at that remark. When i am feeling well. I try to think it through and consider that i am most likely completely wrong and if i am still unsure i now try to have the courage to ask and end my inside turmoil before it gets out of control. We are very very sensitive.

Thanks for reading me :o)

Update...

Well it has been a while. For those of you that have been reading me. I finally went to detox on the 12th and got out  on the following friday. It was quite hard but not AS bad as i was thinking it would be. I am now finally rid of dilaudid and i really happy about that. I have been somewhat depressed which i expected. I feel a bit lost and with somewhat a loss of identity as most of you bpd out there will understand. BUT i prefer being a bit depressed and anxious in my reality instead of the dilaudid reality which was starting to really freak me out. I had to put two of my cats to sleep within one week which was really really hard. Especially since one was during rehab and the other the day after rehab. This did not help. I also feel quite sad and a lot of pain from my friend who lost his mother to cancer this summer and spent his first christmas without her.

I do start rehab on the 4th of January. Three groups a week and one solo. This will help greatly as i miss my bpd therapy which only re starts in march. And that is the update for me.

Thanks for reading me :o)

Very powerful poem by Portia Nelson

BY Portia Nelson

i walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost....I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I was down the same street.
THere is a deep hole in the sidewalk
i pretend i don't see it.
I fall in again
i can't believe i am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street
Thre is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open.
I know where i am
It is my fault
I get out immediatly


I walk doesn the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

I walk down another street

Easy beginner Meditation

How to meditate

Ideas for how to begin daily meditation for people who've never tried it or feel like they couldn't ever get their mind to be quiet

Feeling scatterbrained? Stressed-out and overwhelmed? Depressed? It’s time to calm your mind. Here are some tips on how to meditate and the benefits you’ll receive from daily meditation.

Warning: your life might change if you start meditating. Eventually, you may:

• Develop appreciation for the mundane every-day tasks that bore you and keep you joyless.
• No longer be bombarded by the constantly chattering “monkey mind” that’s been taking up residence in your brain.
• Lower your blood pressure; perhaps you’ll be able to stop taking your meds.
• Recognize the illusion of problems your mind spins out of control; learn how to see the hilarity of every-day dramas.
• Attract more positivity in your life.

You gotta believe!

Can’t sit still for an hour while you’re in a position that seems like you’d strain your groin staying in it for any longer than a minute?

Don’t let that dissuade you from giving meditation a try. You don’t have to be like Buddha and sit in perfect “lotus pose” with your ankles up into your hip sockets. You can be seated in a chair or even lying down on your back staring up at the ceiling or sky.

Meditation doesn’t have to be an impossible spiritual pursuit necessitating pure stillness.

You can try moving meditations like tai chi or qi gong. Yoga classes can be meditative.

Some people even meditate while they walk. They concentrate on every step and attempt not to get distracted by their own thoughts.

Instead, focus is put on the setting, which can be anywhere that’s quiet (even if it’s the garage or laundry room). Anywhere that’s quiet and has natural beauty is a bonus.

Go for a walk and “be in the present,” paying close attention to the rustling of the leaves on a tree or a flock of birds flying overhead. While walking, also focus on the dynamic rhythms of the breath, with stomach and ribs expanding on the inhale and the deflations of the exhalations.

However you decide to meditate, the first baby step — but a very important one on the road to a calmer mind and less stressful life — is determining that you are ready for a change in your life.

Try telling yourself this: “I’m attracting peace in my life.” But don’t half-heartedly say it. You must truly feel that you’re going to be successful in focusing on the positive and calming the mind.

If you’re meditating because you heard Dr. Phil say it’s good for you, but you have your doubts it will do any good, you’ve already set yourself up for failure to make a powerful, uplifting change in your life.

How long should I meditate?

If you’re new to meditation, try just one to two minutes, maximum, at first, and notice how hard it is to not let your thoughts take over. Remember, the goal of mediation is to focus on your breath. You may also focus on a simple phrase you want to attract in your life — peace, wealth, wellness.

It’s OK if you have thoughts creeping in; Don’t give up at first. In fact, it’s not likely you’ll ever become a spiritual master and transport your spirit to another dimension. So when you notice your mind is focused on thoughts think of them as passing clouds.

Recognize the fact you’re thinking instead of meditating. Bring yourself back to your breath and phrase/mantra. Try staring at a candle flame. That will really zone your mind out. (Remember staring at campfires? How meditative!)

It won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it

Very few people that try, say, guitar or surfing for the first time, are any good at it. It will be the same with mediation. Don’t give up. Eventually, try to meditate at least once in the morning and at night for at least 10 minutes. Stick with it and you will profoundly attract more peace in your life.

 

Enjoy and thanks for reading me :o)

Ideas to help with anxiety, sleep and really bad days

I have learned a few things that really help me with either anxiety, panic attacks or those days where i feel depressed and really hopeless. I hope some of these may help you.

First there is a breathing technic they taught us in our yoga class at the bpd therapy I go to.

You can do this either standing up, laying on your back or sitting.
So close your eyes. Inhale very very deeply through the NOSE making your belly come out as big as possible as you breathe in deep. Then exhale through the MOUTH very very quickly and blow as if you were blowing down of one the little piggy's house haha. And let the noise come out. Repeat this 3, 4 or even 5 times. It really really helps me.

Another thing that really helps me is either a really quick cold shower, i mean really cold. This helps when i am really anxious and sweating a lot. Brings me back to reality and helps, some days i have had to take like 7 or 8 but who cares it really helps.

Other days i find if i am blue or more depressed and having a hard time sleeping, i take a really hot bath, with bubbles with a scent i really enjoy. This helps me sleep, if i am anxious and have stomach cramps, i also have back pain. If i am slightly anxious and my body is all tense from anxiety this as well helps me quite a bit.

I try to eat as much bananas as i can, they really help sleep too.

I will often call a friend, and not say i am depressed or anxious or not feeling well, and just do random chit chat about anything, sometimes i can only concentrate for a few minutes, other times it will really distract me and last perhaps half an hour and really calm me down

I stop drinking coffee for a few days

And try to avoid as much sugar as possible especially at night since it really affects sleep.

I will FORCE myself to go outside even just to the corner store to buy gum. Its not even a minute walk and come back in. It changes my mood quite a bit. If i just cant make myself go outside, i will go on my balcony for 5 minutes, even if it is cold. If i cant even make it to the balcony, i open my window that looks over a busy street, or the window in the back of my apt that looks over trees. And i try to focus on watching the poeple out there, the birds, trees etc, plus its fresh air even if just through the window. But if i manage like i say to go just to the corner dep, a simple 5 minutes going and returning often makes a HUGE difference, If i have the courage that day, i will walk around the block for 10 minutes even better :o) changes my thoughts and reality.

Sometimes after a few days of not being able to sleep i change rooms since i start to associate my room with not sleeping. I will often go sleep on the sofa. Again that helps me.

If i am tossing and turning after 20 minutes i get up and go watch tv or have a glass of water, stay up another 15 minutes then go try again.

If i can during the day everyday, i will try to sit down somewhere or lay down in my med and shut my eyes and just try to relax even if only 2 or 3 minutes. I can repeat this as often as i want during the day.

I try to have a thought that makes me happy that i can always go back to. For me it's often thinking of where i will go on my next trip since i love to travel. Throughout the day, when my thoughts are spinning, i will try to catch myself and go back to that thought. The thought can be anything, looking forward to a coffee with a friend, a supper coming up really anything that works for you.

STRETCHES...this helps me relax, take anxiety away, and if am in physical pain too it really helps. I will do stretches even for just 5 minutes. It helps

I will also lay on my bed and squeeze alllll the muscles of my body from the tip of the tows to the tip of my head, sqeeze as hard as i can, while squeezing i will think dont forget the toes, the belly arms, i scrunch up my face, eyes etc. Squeeze as hard as i can until i cant anymore and let go. I repeat about 3 times. Helps with my back pain. Or any physical pain for me really, and really really relaxes my body especially the face i find and calms down my anxiety.

Mindfulnwaa ia  BIG ONE.  I will sit there and force myself to focus on something, be it a cup, a fork, the clock, one of the painting on my wall, really anything, if i am on my balcony, i stare at the leaves on my tree.. I will stare at it at whatever i chose to to look at, and focus on the shape, the color, the texture etc etc. Even if it lasts only 2 minutes, its a 2 minutes that your mind is really focused on something else and is quiet. I will do the same with my eyes closed and listen to all the sounds i can hear around me and focus on all of them trying to figure out what they are.

Lately i have a bit of anxiety and physical ilness from withdrawls from detoxing from dilaudid as you know. If i am pacing the house, and sweating or have the shakes, i find all of these can be helpful, and i have been playing video games on the internet as long as i can, to really really distract myself from the pain and horrible negative thoughts or cravings.



THINGS I TELL MYSELF:
This too shall pass it never ever lasts. This applies to anyone going through something hard. I keep repeating it to myself.

I tell myself this might be hard right now, but what is the worse case scenario, i will not die, no one is going to get hurt and again this will pass. Sometimes i have to repeat all day but again this is helpful to me.

I tell myself, i will get through this as i always do. I look at the past at hard things i thought i would never ever get through over the years and worried about with ridiculous amounts of anxiety, and tell myself " I made it through that, i will make it through this like all the other times i thought i would not. And even if my silly head is saying this time is different and harder, i will not make it through, i remind myself that that is what i think everytime yet i always make it through.

I will add more once i remember..soon to come insomnia: treatment and prevention

Thanks for reading me :o)


.

Finally, hope for those with borderline personality disorder.

http://www.latimes.com/features/health/mentalhealth/la-he-borderline-duplicate-1,0,7926784,full.story

I really enjoyed this article in the LA times about BPD.

Enjoy :o)

The right to be angry

I am more the quiet borderline personality type. I always always keep my anger inside when it comes to big things that bother me. I feel it for 10 minutes then i push it down somewhere. Been doing it my whole life.

They kept telling me in therapy when i started that I was FULL of anger and i did not really believe them i just could not see it. I was always thinking this way...no no i know bad things and really bas things have happened to me but it could be worse, or that person did not mean it, their are people dying in african from hunger. Basically i did not think i had the right to be angry. I did not realise this til very recently.

I see now that i never expressed my anger because i thought i was not allowed since i think i am a bad person. So by always thinking throughout my life that i was a bad person, well i just had zero right to be angry at anyone, especially close ones that i have hurt many times with bpd. But now i am feeling some anger about a few things in my life, quite a bit of anger and its not going away like it usually does. Then one day i was telling a friend, that yes of course you were not treated correctly about this  certain situation, of course you can say something. Then i CLICKED ahhh hello SO CAN I. So i see now that yes i can be angry sometimes at either certain people or situations when i think i have not been treated nicely. I am good enough to have the right to be angry and expresss it just like everyone else.

Now i have never really delt with anger, just a few few times and when i would get angry those EXTREMELY rare time, watch out it was not pretty. I never hit or did anything like that, but people would freeze on the spot and be horrified since it was an explosion of anger kept inside for years and then i would turn that anger towards ME.

Obviously this is not a healthy way to express anger. Now i know that when i feel angry i must not put it aside or ignore but rather deal with it when it comes so it  does not accumulate forever and then i explode again. So now i am learning how to express my anger in a healthy way, and also by expressing anger you stop carrying all of it around with you all the time. Especially if many things angered you over the years well once you get angry one day at a small thing, alllll the anger for those past things come out and the person in from of you is kind of left speachless as the amount of anger for the present situation is not appropriate. So by now expressing my anger everytime i am angry in a calm healthy way. I will never accumulate all this anger that affects me in many different ways :o) So you too have the right to be angry and to express your feelings, and its much better when done once calm and expressed politely. You may not get what you want from it but you will have let go of your anger.

Thank you for reading me :o)

Life skills part 2 (continuation of previous post)

So when one is in distress or not feeling well it is always good to have a plan prepared ahead of time. I carry in my purse a list of activities to distract or help me when I am not feeling well. I will also add a list that was given to us in therapy. It is a very long list.

 Choose some you like and think will work for you. You can also add your own activities and distractions that are not on this list.

~Play with your animals
~do a puzzle
~do some art work like painting or photography
~go for a walk
~bake a dessert
~take a bath
~watch a funny movie or tv show
~phone a friend~go visit a friend
~read a book if u have no concentration read short articles in a magazine or read a trashy celebrity magazine
~exercise~
~write letters to people you are angry at then throw them away or burn them
~go swimming, biking, do yoga~
~do some breathing exercises
~go get a massage
~go for a drive
~do some photography
~clean the house
~take a nap
~treat yourself to a chocolate bar
~go for an ice cream
~cook a new recipe
~knit(or learn how to)
~go eat at a restaurant
~go to the movies
~chat online
~play solitaire or online games~visit websites of places you would like to travel to(look at images)
~create a blog
~sell something you dont want or need online~buy something online
~dye your hair or go get a hair cut
~call Tracom
~go shopping
~do a scrapbook
~go to the library
~sing or dance
~meditate
~make a list of 10 celebrities you would like to be friends with and describe why
~pretent you have won the lottery and write down what you would do with the money
~invite someone over for supper
~ write a loving letter to yourself when you are feeling well and write down things you like about yourself and re read it when you are not feeling well
~paint
~write in a diary
~plan a trip
~join the gym
~push as hard as you can with your hands against a wall
~make funny video clips with your camera
~learn a new hobby
~do some gardenning
~wash your car
~walk your dog or borrow a friend's dog if you don't have one
~write a poem or a song
~make a fun list of celebrities you would like to have sex with
~masturbate
~have sex with your partner or someone your trust and care about
~make a list of things that make you happy (travelling, the beach...etc)
~think of a nice moment you had in your day or a compliment your recieved
~volunteer somewhere
~ call someone or write to someone you like and have not spoken to in a while
~go to the mall or a park and do some people watching and try to imagine what they are thinking
~take an art class, spanish class, tai chi..etc
~play or learn how to play the guitar or a musical instrument
~go to your church or pray
~make a vision board
~write a thank you letter to someone who has made a difference in your life and tell them why (you dont      have to send it if you dont want to)
~make a list of people you admire or want to be like and describe what it is you admire about them
~Draw a picture
~color in a coloring book
~Read a trashy magazine
~sign up for a class online
~write a story about either the funniest, craziest or sexiest and fun thing that has happened to you
~write a letter to god
~ go do the groceries
~go to a museum~
~go to the zoo
~go to a spa
~turn on some loud music you like and sing away
~clean that cluttered closet or drawer
~go to a hockey game or sporting event
~go to a concert
~take a cooking class or cake decorating class
~get on the bus or metro and go somewhere you have never been
~go bowling
~go play pool
~go to the arcade
~play on your nintendo or xbox etc
~go look at funny clips on youtube
~do some stretching exercises
~do something nice for someone
~play a board game with a friend
~join an internet dating service
~brush your pets or play ball with them
~go through your clothes and give the ones you dont need anymore to a local charity or salvation army..

. The point is have a list ready, catch yourself right away when you know you are not feeling well or are about to panic or cut etc. Of course if you have a problem with shopping, don't chose shopping as an option, if you have a problem with drinking, perhaps stay away from going to play pool at a bar...etc. Pick what is good for you. Another good trick is to set aside half an hour every day even when you are feeling good and do an activity you enjoy. Its not just about getting rid of anxiety or panic attacks and depression and only using this list when in crisis...you have to add joy to your life :o) I hope this helps and again thank you for reading me :o)

Life skills part 2 (reposting since a lot of people liked it)

So in our group meeting on the second week for life skills we started talking about "Tolerating compulsions or distress"

Again i will do my best to explain what i got from it.

Ok so let's say something stressful happens, anything that sets you off to normally either drink, cut, shop...ect you know what i mean. Well on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being in full blown panic or cutting ect...and let's say 2 at the begining before you have lost control. Well we are being taught that it is a matter of trying to catch yourself at 2 and right away do something different. When we are at 10, we have pretty much lost control, and our judgments, decisions are not very good since at this point we are basically reasoning with our emotions and not our head and logic. So most of our decisions or things done in this state are usually not trustworthy. We act without thinking.
When we are getting to level 10 basically we are looking for instant gratification.
So this is of course about learning how to tolerate the pain and get through it without jumping to bad coping skills.

We did not get that far into it but here are some of the distractions one can try using these are a few which may not work for everyone. For example, shopping or browsing at the mall can be a good distraction for someone but not if you are a compulsive shopper get my drift?

SHOPPING:
If you have a hard time with shopping compulsively you can try the following, when i go into a store i can of course convince myself i need everything in there, so i tell myself leave it there continue shopping for what you actually came for and if you decide in an hour that you really need it, come back to get it. Well 99% of the time i do not come back!

CUTTING:
Use a red marker and draw where you would cut, or even red nail polish so it looks like blood.
Take an ice cube and hold it in your hand for as long as you can. Take an elastic band around your wrist and  snap it until it hurts.

PANIC OR NEVER ENDING SPINNING THOUGHTS:
Get out of the house even if just to go to corner store, it changes your perspective. Go for a short walk. Do a puzzle. Play with your cats. Call a friend right away and start talking about something else. Take a nap. Put your wrists under freezing water, put freezing water on your neck, i find this one helps a lot and brings me back to the present. If you are feeling guilty, ask yourself do i really have something to feel guilty about, most of the time YOU DON'T have anything to feel guilty about or are over exagerating it.

I carry a list of like 3 pages long with me of activities i know will distract me MOST of the time. We were also given a list of things to do to distract yourself. I will write those in my following blog. But planning ahead with a list is quite good.

And remember if you are at a 10 and feel like you will lose control (first you wont) but still, or feel suicidal or anything. Tracom is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and as i keep repeating they are angles at helping with any situation. Again here are their numbers 514-483-3033 or 1-877-483-3033.

Thanks for reading me :o)

bpd or bp or both?

Before i was diagnosed with bpd, i was diagnosed by 2 psychiatrist as having bipolar. When i applied to get into  the program i am in, they said they don't really believe in bipolar and do not take people that have bipolar and that they did not think i had it. So i went along with it. I was in for about 8 months before i stopped to do this detox thing and am supposed to resume therapy in march. I have realized with a  lot of time to think lately and from doing research on the internet that if i do have bipolar (which i am quite sure i have), well i now see it is very very important for me to have a clear diagnosis. If i just let it go and i do have bipolar then it will not be treated. I realize it's really important to know this, because if i do have it like i think and like 2 psychiatrist did, then i want to work on this mental issue as well. How can i get better if it's left untreated?


It also made me see that these days you really really have to be persistent with doctors and really know what you are talking about or you just get dismissed. Their are apparently a lot of misdiagnosed bpd and bp. They either think you have bpd when you actually bp or vice versa. Or do not see people like me that have both.

If you are like me and have doubts about being told different things from different doctors, i would not give up and just take their answer as if it is always the right answer, they too make mistakes. I know i will be pursuing this for sure.


Thank you for reading me :o)

A very very interesting site about new different views on bpd and medications and types of therapy

http://www.stumbleupon.com/to/s/6TsifK

A little help to sleep better

I have gone through many phases in my life where my sleeping is just horrible. Many a night without sleep. It is usually accompagnied with anxiety. A lovely combo! So a few months ago, i had a session with my individual therapist who  was asking me questions. I always fall asleep with the tv on in my room. And i really loved watching all the CSI's and Criminal minds..etc etc all those types of shows.

So my therapist suggested that this could be causing me anxiety and disrupting my sleep. I was not quite convinced about this one, since i loved those shows, they did not scare me at all and i did not think they were making me anxious not even one bit. But i was willing to try anything so i took up her suggestion of stopping to watch all of those shows and to stick to half hour sitcoms, which i love as well. Well of course she was right!!!I was really really suprised that i was a lot less anxious and my sleep was much better, a lot less interrupted sleep. I often have nights where it feels like i am half awake all night and that i am not really sleeping, i am sure anyone with sleeping problems will understand what i mean haha.

So as i said i was really suprised that it actually took a lot of anxiety away from my life not just at night. And i do sleep better. I guess i can see that perhaps falling asleep while watching murderers, rapists, serial killers etc etc may not exactly leave me in the most relaxed positive state of mind just before going to bed. So some of you out there may want to try it. It really does help and it's quite a simple thing to do to get better sleep.

Thank you for reading me :o)

Trusting my own decisions

Ooof this is a hard one. As i am getting better on this long road to recovery, i am realising lately not only how hard it is to trust my own decisions but how hard it will be for others to trust that i am making better decisions for myself. I am realising this might be a bit harder then i was thinking.

I and others are so used to me making decisions with my emotions and never really making right ones. Now that i am starting to learn to calm down and think rationally before making a decision i am really getting better at it. Am certainly not a master at it yet, it will take a lot of hard work. But i never thought about how others would see this or how they would act towards this. It is not their fault but they do automatically jump to thinking i don't really know what i am doing and that i am not making good decisions. It's hard because some times i now KNOW FOR SURE after careful thinking that i am making a good decision and not making one on the moment with my emotions without having thought of it.

 But i see how hard it will be for others to trust me and believe me when i make these decisions. It will be a bit of a challenge for me to not doubt myself for a while i am thinking. It is already extremely hard for me to even trust myself in the first place, so when i am really sure about something and someone will disagree with me, i know it will often make me second guess myself or doubt my decisions or opinions. It will take practice to stick to my beliefs, opinions and decision without doubting everything i do or everything i decide.

 It will also require practicing at not jumping into people pleasing mode and to not change my opinions or decisions just to please others. I will often have to stand my ground when i am really sure of something and really let go of what others think unless it is really affecting them directly. This was something i had not considered at all. It is of course not the end of the world and i assume it must be the same for most bpd people who have made horrible choices and decisions on a whim based on emotions and not rational. I think it is part of the process of getting better and learning to trust myself and to also help me to stop trying to please other people :o) I am not mad at these family members and friends, i do get it, they have spent their lives watching me make horribles choices and mistakes and really bad decisions so i guess it will take getting used to for them as well and learning to trust me and my decisions :o)

For example right now while waiting to get into detox, i have a bit of a fear of being depressed after detox. I know i will be somewhat depressed since every morning when i wake up i feel quite depressed before i take my pills. Now normally not even a year ago if i would be going through this i would be absolutely convinced that a severe depression would be coming for sure. I would be depressed ahead of time thinking of the depression. I would picture myself in a feotus positions locked up in my room for months crying away. But that is not how i see it. I am simply trying to be prepared and have a plan ahead of time like i am being taught in therapy.

Now i know very well if i do get depressed it will be nothing like my other depressions since first of all, i am already in therapy and i will be going to rehab 5 days a week. That will automatically get me out of the house, i will see a lot of people daily, and i will have a place with great support where i can talk about my feelings with people going through the same thing. I also have in my head a plan to continue doing activities that bring me pleasure, like baking or writting letters etc. I have been thinking that no  matter how hard it is i will try to add physical activity to my routine about 2 to 3 times a week as i know this helps my mood immensly. Somone very nice suggested i put post its in my house with nice reminders and beautiful saying on them to remind me of good things. I know without a single doubt i will get through this no matter what happens. But it is not like it would have been before i am not planning a depression and almost attracting it by being absolutely sure it will be horrible and predicting dramatically how horrible it will be. I am being somewhat realistic and i know there will be some depression. It may not even be that horrible but i do like the idea of having somewhat of a positive plan ahead of time. I think its good to be prepared and having good things in place ahead of time to make it easier. And yes i would like some support which i do not think is a horrible thing.

So as i am writting this, I am realising that for once in my life i will just trust my opinion and try and let go of what other people are assuming or thinking. They have of course every right to think this since i have said they are right in the way that this has always been my behavior up until now, so i respec them for actually caring and telling me what they think. I guess it will take time for me and my loved ones to start trusting myself. I am very very fortunate to have these people in my life actually caring for me and trying to do what is best for me. THANK YOU FOR CARING AND TRYING TO HELP. It means so much to me more then they will ever know :o)

And again thank you all for reading me :o)

Getting to know yourself

As most of you know i would say about 99%  of bpd people have no clue who they are. For example i have spent my whole life in pleasing mode. The only me i know is the me that is a cameleon and acts in a way i think others want me to be in order to be liked. When i stop doing this i am left with a me i dont know anything about, no personality it feels like. Well i am finding ways to pretty much get to know myself, who i am, what i like and dont like etc. I thought i would share. It is actually quite simple and is helping me quite a bit.

Its hobbies. While trying to find ways to distract myself when i panic or have anxiety, i had made a long list of activities to try out. And was also trying to find new hobbies i would enjoy. I am finding that it is helping me to get to know myself which i did not expect. I decided to start baking as a hobby and realised i really liked it and that i am actually good at it. This first of all gave me a feeling of self confidence which i rarely have. It's only baking but being good at something feels amazing. So it is helping me with my self confidence and it is helping me get to know myself. I was also thinking this can be a great way to make friends and connections with people who i would have similar interests with. I was thinking of taking a cooking class. They have some that you can go to for one night. It is a bit expensive but i think would be well worthed. Its a whole evening thing, You learn a recipe and then you all get to sit down and eat the meal together. This would be a great way to make new friends, to feel like i am good at something and belong somewhere and for me to find out what things i like to do in life which has the effect of getting to know ME.

Another good one i was thinking of is volunteering. If you find a place where you can volunteer for something you are really passionate about. I think it would have many benefits. First you will be doing something you really enjoy. You will have that wonderful feeling that you are helping people and making a difference in this world. You will meet great people who share the same passion as you do. And will feel a sense of reward for doing this. Plus it is free.

I also want to take a yoga class which first would be excellent for my physical health but not only that it is a fantastic way to quiet the mind which i think is very good for people with bpd since we all have those annoying spinning thoughts. It is also great for anxiety as it really really helps you relax. I know this since where i go to therapy, last january we were lucky enough to have one session of yoga free per week for 3 months and the benefits were simply amazing. Every time i left there i felt really calm and someone connected to the world. It would really quiet my mind and really relax me and help me with my anxiety, concentration and sleep.

So basically whether it be a small or big hobby or volunteering, i now see it as a very good way to boost ones self esteem, a great way to meet new friends with similar interests as you. And a good way to get to know yourself a little bit by knowing what you like and don't like. Give it a try you just might enjoy it more then you can imagine :o)

Thank you for reading me again :o)

The quiet borderline

Someone gave me this link and i really liked it. I had never heard of quiet borderline. I had noticed during my therapy that most people in there have a hard time keeping their anger inside and will often get very angry and violent, often breaking things or even hitting others and getting into fights. I was never able to express anger, i don't know how to express it. It is very hard for me. This link helped me understand more and see that there is yet another layer to borderline. The quiet borderline. Here is the link http://borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/07/the-quiet-borde.html

Thank you for reading me :o)

Ways to help yourself when you start feeling anxious or start having a panic attack

I have found a way that really helps me when i start to get that anxious feeling rise in me or if i feel a panic attack coming on. I do try and catch myself before the anxiety becomes overwhelming or the panic attack has reached it's peak. First i will lay down or go somewhere quiet where i am alone. Then i force myself to start asking myself some questions as to why i am feeling this way. Most of time its always either about guilt, or up coming events.

So if i realise i am feeling guilty about something, I will then ask myself, why am feeling guilty? If i feel guilty for example about having fucked up my budget and feel guilty towards my parents for having to help me once again, i tell myself Ok you have appologized, it's already done, you can change it and you are doing the best you can to stop this behavior so stop feeling guilty now.

If i am feeling guilty for example about something i said to someone the day before and i am wondering if i hurt the person's feelings, or if i think i was rude to someone and am feeling guilty, i tell myself well why dont you just ask the person, you might be completely wrong, fix it, get it over with and then you won't have to feel guilty anymore.

If i am feeling anxious about an upcoming event, for example like tonight i went to a concert. Let's say before hand in the afternoon, i would have started feeling anxiety. I would sit myself down and ask myself, ok is anything coming up soon. I would then think yes, that concert tonight. And if i realise that is what is making me anxious, the thought of being in public with a lot of people and the fear of panicking then i tell myself, well what is the worse that can happen. I will not die or start yelling or go crazy (cause in all the years i have had anxiety that has never happenned before). So i tell myself ok, no one is going to die, no one is going to get hurt, the worse scenario, i can always decide to leave and if i am really panicking i can even jump into a taxi and get home ASAP. That calms me down to think of it rationally and usually makes most of my anxiety go away.

I am seeing that i can apply this to everything because if i think about it, everytime i get anxious it's usually guilt about something or scared of something in the future. And if i really stop my spinning thoughts without knowing what i am feeling anxious about and then think about it rationally, i can always come up with a plan, or talk myself out of it. If i just let it go, its just going to get worse and worse and turn into a full blown anxiety attack and i won't even know why.

Something else occured to me, like i have said before my whole life i am always feeling guilty about everything. There is alwasy guilt for something. So i was trying to think of a way to stop this and i have decided to make a list of everything i can think of that i feel guilty about. Then i will go through each thing and think about them rationally. Should i be feeling guilty about this. Did i really do something wrong. If i did, is there a way i can fix it? If i have already fixed it well off the list it will go and i will not permit myself to feel guilty about things that are done and that i have already fixed and that cannot be changed. If there is something on my list i am not sure about that involves another person, instead of always wondering about it constantly, i will from now on just ask the person if indeed i did hurt them or offend them or do something wrong. And you know what the times i have actually done this almost 99% of the time i was wrong. If i am right then i can talk it out with that person and fix it so i dont have to spend hours or days or weeks feeling guilty and anxious about it while i can just fix it NOW. I shall be trying that this week and see what comes out of it but i think it's a pretty good plan.

Now i know i give out a lot of tips and tools on here either from things i have learned in therapy or with experience, and a lot of people tell me. Oh this does not work for me, but when i ask them did you really try it, the answer is usually no, or i only tried it once. I cannot repeat enough that if you don't try it and practice it it's not going to miracly happen on it's own. One has to really want it and really try it and not just say, oh next time. A lot of people say oh i have tried everything in my life nothing works. I don't believe that. I too when i started therapy thought, ahhhh what am i going to learn here, i know everything i should be doing, what can they possibly teach me i have not tried yet? Well i am eating my own words now. Yes a lot of the stuff i am being taught i already knew, but i had never actually really really practiced it, therapy forced me to do that because after a group meeting they would tell me to practice on a specific thing and report back to them at the next group session. And yes it takes work, cause for some reason it's just often way to easier to keep doing the things we do, because that is what we know and what we are used to and feel secure with. And it's alwasy scary to try something new, especially if you have already tried many things in your life and it has not worked. It sometimes scary to give it your all and if ends up not working and you feel like yet again you failed. But believe me these things really work and a lot of them are quite simple things when you think about it.

I know a lot of them are easier to practice on a good day when you are feeling good. And much harder to try when you really need it but that is exactly when you have to force yourself to do it. The other day i was talking to a friend that was anxious. And i suggested distracting himself but every distraction i mentionned was not good enough and there was always an excuse, oh i have done that it doesnt work for me, i cant do this or that because i dont like it, nothing will work. Finally i said, well just try one whether you like it or not. I said get out of the house and go for a walk for just 15 minutes and then tell me how you feel. And believe me i know how hard it can be when you are really not feeling well and the last thing you want to do is get dressed and go outside for a walk. When he came back from his walk, and it was cold outside. He said it really did help. It had changed his reality and perception. All it took was a 15 minute walk, EVERYONE can find at least one distraction taht will help them, whether it be a walk, watch a tv show, call a friend, draw, play video games etc etc. But we sometimes can be so stubborn it's almost as if we enjoy being in miseray sometimes. And god knows i am far from being perfect and sometimes yes these things don't do it on a really really bad day. But it really really helps a lot of the time. GIVE IT A TRY, really really try. And you will be shocked how sometimes just a few simple things can really help you get through a panic attack, some depression or anxiety. Nothing to lose by trying since you are already sitting there feeling miserable anyway. Like one of the best psychiatrist i have ever met in one of my groups says " If you have time to worry or be anxious for hours and hours, you certainly have time to try something to fix it ". I like that hahaha.

Thank you once again for reading me, i really hope this might help someone out there who feels like i do :o)

Feel like sharing?

I would love it if any of you whether you have bpd or not would share some experiences or ask questions. Don't be shy, you can do this anonymously :o) thanks for reading me :o)

Poem

A friend shared this with me and i liked it. The Most Vital Thing In Life When you feel like saying something That you know you will regret, Or keenly feel an insult Not quite easy to forget, That's the time to curb resentment And maintain a mental peace, For when your mind is tranquil All your ill-thoughts simply cease. It is easy to be angry When defrauded or defiled, To be peeved and disappointed If your wishes are denied; But to win a worthwhile battle Over selfishness and spite, You must learn to keep strict silence Though you know you're in the right. So keep your mental balance When confronted by a foe, Be it enemy in ambush, Or some danger that you know. If you are poised and tranquil When all around is strife, Be assured that you have mastered The most vital thing in life. by Grenville kleiser

The victim role

This one might be tuff to explain but here i go trying my best...So most of us since we are younger, have learned many bad coping skills. When i was young i demanded all the attention at all times. When i became a teenager well, actually around the age of 12 i started drinking, then by the age of 15 i was doing drugs. I worried my mom to death. But in my subconscious, i had leaned that by doing these bad things, i got attention!!! I only see this now. But from then on, it was always like that throughout my life. Whether it was financial problems, drinking or drugs, over spending, getting into all kinds of problems was always a way to get some sort of attention from my parents and sibblings and friends. So i fed right into it. There was always something dramatic going on in my life, and of course it was never my fault. I never saw the part i played in all of this. The victim role. When i would have a problem or a big issue which i had obviously gotten myself into, then i would call, text, email everyone in a panic, everything was always dramatic and a crisis...and yes even if it was a situation that was unfair, i certainly knew how to blow it out of proportion, i ddi not do this on purpose, or should i say, i did not do this realising what i was doing., then i would fall right into the victim, helpless role which everyone needed to rescue. It gave me the attention i was always longing for my whole life. It was the only way I knew how to get it. I will give an example. This is hard to write since it is personal, but like i said, i will share my experiences on here in order to help others understand and perhaps see themselves in some of what i write. So about 2 years ago, i got pregnant, with someone i was not in a relationship with. It was a drunken night and the condom broke. Even though i took the morning after pill, i still got pregnant. And there was no option, with the meds i was taking for my bpd, it was too dangerous to keep the baby so i had to get an abortion. Which was very very hard. The father was not a very nice person, and not exactly supportive whatsoever. I got the abortion, and they did not do it correctly, so i got really sick and ended up in the hospital in and out for about a month until they did the abortion again. Well at that time, it was drama galore, telling all my friends and family about this. How unfair it was that the father of the child had been so rude and mean etc etc. It was not fair that i had to get an abortion and that it did not go well. Well I somehow failed to recognize my part in this, no one forced me to sleep with this guy. I did that all on my own. Yes it was a hard part of my life, very hard. But i did over dramatize, took no responsibilty for any of it and once again fell into the victim role. Poor me, why does this always happen to me, this is really unfair, why did that person treat me so horribly..etc etc. I really expected everyone to drpot their lives and come to the rescue. Now no matter how hard it was, first i should have taken responsibily for my part in this, one does not get pregnant alone. I should not have talked about this all day long complainging to everyone all the time. I should not have over dramatized things to the point of draining everyone around me. I really was playing the role of a victim. Now if this would happen at this point in my life, i certainly would handle it much better. I would first cut off all contact with the father which i should have done last time, as i said he was not nice (and i am being extremely polite here), but i kept talking to him, fight after fight for months. Well now i would cut off all contact from a person like that to start with instead of feeding into that situation. I would still be upset and sad of course. It is not a pleasant thing, and we are allowed to feel these feeling, but we don't have to wollow in them, because then they just become bigger and bigger and bigger. Now i would still talk to my friends about it, but in a very different way. I would not text them 20 times a day in a panic reporting all that had been said or had happenned between me and the father. I would talk to my friends calmly, get over the sadness, accept that this is tthe situation i put MYSELF into, and then i would deal with it in a much healthier way. The type of attention i am so used to getting from me acting out, is not a very good attention, and not the one i want anymore. I can see how i drained certain peple with all my dramatic issues. So like i said if this were to happen now, i would as i said accept that this is the situation, this is where i am, yes it sucks but it is what it is and then instead of sitting there, feeling sorry for myself, feeling abandonned etc etc. I would instead try to find another solution. If no other solution, then i would jump to my list of activities to distract myself. I would not let it consume every minute of my day for months and months. I know understand what therapists say when they say we play the role of the victim. When we self sabotage, it is a way to get attention, the way we have learned to get attention probably since we were all very young.. I now try to take responsibility for my actions, and deal with the consequences. It is ok to feel sadness, anger, pain...etc. But i dont have to feel it for months and months. I can feel it and acknowledge it, then calm down and move to something else, another solution..etc. Now that i see this very clearly and i will continue to try my hardest to not make everything into a big deal, and not only with big situations like, but small ones too. I can apply this to everything in my life. Accept, acknowledge feelings, then move to a plan of action., and always take responsibility for my part in things. It's easier to jump into old patterns of self sabotaging, being the victim in everything and getting this attention we so long for. but its very unhealthy for us and for those around us, it becomes draining for them and i can see that clearly now. We only end up hurting ourselves and others, and we may get temporarely the attention we desire, but it does not last long and it obviously does not work or we would not be repeating these things. My head is all over the place tonight hahahah> i really hope this made sense for some of you out there. Thanks for reading me :o)


I would like to add that i am sooo sorry to all the people i have hurt with this througout my life and for what i have put people through. I am more sorry then words could ever express

Online bpd support group

I have found an online support group for bdp that i absolutely love. I have tried quite a few in the last years but never really found one i like. I must say this one is pretty amazing, everyone is kind and caring and very supportive. I thought i would post it here if anyone wanted to join :o) http://www.mdjunction.com/borderline-personality Thanks for reading me :o) ps. they also have many many other types of support groups

Things i keep to help make me feel better

This morning i received a beautiful card in the mail from someone i consider family. It made my day with tears of joy. Just a simple card of encouragment and support. Really meant a lot to me. So i put it next to a few things i keep. I got another card a few months a ago from my best friend with very kind words about myself which i keep as well. I have some letters or notes from my parents and family as well. When i am feeling bad about myself or having a bad day, i will often read these beautiful words and it cheers me right up. I thought i would share since i find its a simple way to make yourself feel better. Keep those little things that make you feel good and go look at them when you are having a bad day :o) Thanks for reading me :o)

YAY i am the happy winner of the St luc lottery!!!!

Well, if any of you read my blog entitles "concrete example of radical acceptance", you will know that today was the day i had to call at 9 am to try and get an apointment at st luc hospital for my detox. They take 8 people only each month and hundreds of people start calling at 9am on the dot. If you are lucky enough to get through and be within the lucky 8, you get an apointment for november. If not you have to start over on the 1st of december and hope to be lucky then. Well i am very very happy to report i got through after redialing redialing and redialling at 906 and was withing the lucky 8. YAHOOOOO!!! I now have an apointment on the 25th of november. I will be there all day from 830 am til 4. They do a complete physical exam. They interviews so they can tailor a detox that fits my needs. Since i told them i do not want to detox using methadone, they will tailor a plan for me to detox without methadone. With methadone the detox is about 10 days since it weans you off alot quicker then without. But then you are stuck on methadone for quite a while it takes about 2 years to get off the methadone. I personally find it ridiculous to get off one drug just to be addicted to another. So i was told without the methadone i could be in the hospital for about 2 to 3 weeks, but honestly i am just so happy to finally be in and to get the help i need, they could keep me for a year for all i care hahah. So this goes well with my concrete example on my post concrete example of radical acceptance. I could have wasted my whole evening in panic and worry and sadness and anxiety last night FOR NOTHING. What a waste that would have been. And even if i had not gotten through and had not gotten an apointment then right now i would be working on another solution. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE ROCKS!!!! Thank you for reading a very happy me :o)

A concrete example of radical acceptance

Well i have been trying to think of a concrete and good example of radical acceptance for a while now and i finally have one. Hope this helps you understand the concept better. As most of you know i am waiting to get into St-Luc hospital to do a medical detox. If you have read any of my posts on this i had been told that if i get a referral from a doctor it would about a 2 week waiting period instead of a month to 3 months waiting period. So i found a doctor after a long search who agreed to sign a referral for me and i sent it in last week. Today the nurse in charge of that department called me to say he had spoken to the dorctor and that my referral is not being accepted since the dr that signed it is not the one that gave me a prescription for dilaudid and because i am now buying my dilaudid on the black market as they say. He explained that it is more for people that for example had a bad accident and have been on prescribed dilaudid for a while and are having a hard time getting off these drugs. Now on the first of every month one can call at 9am and they take 8 apointments for that month. So tomorrow morning I and many many others will be on redial trying to be one of the lucky 8. So when i heard this message on my phone this evening right away i started crying and got really anxious, i started thinking the following "what will i do, how can i wait another month to get in as the nurse said if i dont get an apt tomorrow morning it will be begining of december, how can i last another month, will i run out of pills, this is not fair, why is it so hard to get help" then i started crying. I calmed down after about 10 minutes and started thinking the following "Stop right now, this is what it is, that is how this system works and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it, i can spend all evening worrying about it, feeling horrible, getting really anxious but what purpose will this serve me?". I then right away thought of radical acceptance. Can i change this? NO. So instead of freaking out, texting the whole world and calling everyone to say how much this sucks and making this a huge dramatic thing, well i can tell instead tell myself the following. This is a fact, this is something i have ZERO control over, i can not change this, yes it sucks but this is just the way it is. Now accept it and instead of freaking out think of a solution. I have decided i will first concentrate on calling tomorrow morning and perhaps be the lucky winner at the St luc lottery hahah. If that doesnt work well at THAT time, i will proceed to think of other solutions and focus on what i can do about this and not on what i can't do. I decided this will not change the nice evening i had planned for myself, i CHOSE to not let this ruin my evening. I am stuck in this situation right now so i have a choice. 1- i can spend my evening, crying, bitching, feeling sorry for myself, feeling like things never go my way and how unfair this all is and get myself all worked up and sad and depressed filled with anxiety and not sleep at all OR choice number 2- Well i can just accept it for what it is, stay calm as tonight obviously what can i do about this NOTHING. I can chose to spend my evening as i had planned, with my nice supper, watching a few of my favorite shows, chatting with a few friends, blogging and writing the letters i wanted to write tonight. So to me it is now obvious..and i chose number 2. I realise i can do this with everything in my life. Whenever something big or even the smallest things happen, i can always chose to react in a calm manner. Accept the things i cant change and work on solutions or change the things that i can. This can be a way of living as their will always be unpleasant big and small situations in my life. A year ago this would have been the end of the world. I would have called everyone in tears or angry and would have whined and complained and it would have been a huge dramatic thing, and i would be the oh so poor victim in all of this, the person for whom things never go right! NO MORE. This does take practice as i keep repeating all the time. Sometimes i jump right away on my emotions and let them overwhelm me and take over everything. But if i take the time to actually stop and think rationaly and not with my emotions and just calm down and think of this in the way i just described well what a happier easier life i can chose to have! I find this can apply to anyone's life out there with or without bpd. We can really chose how to live our lives every second of the day. It might be harder for some of us, but i really think i can do this with hard work, and that eventually it will also become a habit and a new way of living for me. This can work for YOU TOO!!!! All you have to do is give it a try, what have you got to lose anyway if you are not happy the way you are now :o) Thanks for reading me :o)

Guilt

I will start by saying what a uselss emotion!!! I am realising too that it can be a bit selfish and a also a bad coping skill to avoid my problems or issues. Since i seem to be a roll of starting to understand and being able to actually apply things i have learned in therapy so far i have decided to talk about guilt today. Well as I have said before, my whole life i have always always felt guilty. Guilty about everything under the sun! Their are certain things i have always felt guilty about, guilt at all the pain, worry, stress, sadness, dissapointment etc i have caused my family. That is always number ONE in my head since i was little. Then i always feel guilty about different things, one day it could be that i feel i dont do enough for myself, or i think i dont try hard enough and i could do more. Some days its guilt because i dont exercise enough or smoke cigarettes. Other days i will feel guilty for not having completed my ridiculous lists of cleaning and things to do in a day. Then i will feel guilty thinking i am a really bad influence for people in my life. I even go as far as feeling gulty thinking am not a good person for my cats!!!! I mean really!?!?!? Well first of all, as i was told repeatedly in therapy when i feel guilty about something i should first stop myself and ask myself what exactly am i feeling guilty about. If it is something that i have done and regret doing, well is there something i can do about it. If i have already appologized and fixed whatever situations, then what is the point of feeling guilty about it. If there is something i can do about it, like appologozing to someone i might have hurt or offended, well then i can simply fix it by doing so and be done for the guilt. Then if i talk about my BIG things i mentionned i always feel guilty about well i am really starting to see how much this impacts my life in very negative ways. I will try to explain. My whole life as i said but even more in the past year, i have huge amounts of guilt that my parents are once again helping me. My mom and dad have lent me so much money and gotten me out of so many jams in my life, more often then i care to imagine. I have always had a big problem with compulsive shopping when i am not feeling well and have never ever been able to budget. And mommy and daddy would always end up having to help me. I have so many feelings of guilt over this it's overwhelming and was eating away at me my whole life. Well i am not doing them or me any good whatsoever by hanging on to these feelings of guilt. When i spend nights or days thinking about this and getting really anxious and feeling like a monster, what do i end up doing when i feel this way..i end up SPENDING, or all the other bad coping things i do. How is that any good for me or my parents. In my fucked up way of thinking as i have mentionned a few times in my most recent posts, without realising it i really thought i was NOT ALLOWED to NOT feel guilty. I know it sounds weird, but i really thought unconcsiouly until now, that if i did not feel selfish or have any problems then i was a really bad person, how can i not feel guilty after doing all those things, i am not allowed to feel guilty free, i am not allowed to have a good day and tell people about it, then they will think i don't regret the things i have done. So therefor i must always feel guilty and not be happy. Well what a bunch of pardon the language BULLSHIT that is. I have done everything i can do make a mends, to explain why i do these things, i have appologized, i am in therapy working hard at it, my parents are helping me to learn how to budget, my dad especially with the help of my magnificent roomate. I am ready to fax detox and my addictions and get the help i need. I am being pro active about getting all the help i need. I came clean with my problems and admitte to the truth. WHAT ELSE CAN A PERSON DO?!?! Nothing. If i CHOSE to continue feeling guilty for everything i have ever done in my life well i will just keep doing bad things and be stuck in this vicios circle of mine. I will not be helping myself at all and will just keep hurting the people around me which will bring on more guilt and on and on... So i am slowly catching myself every time these feelings come during my day and stopping myself instantly. I use some of the tools i have learned so far and mentionned in previous posts. I first talk myself out of it by pretty much telling myself what i just wrote and then i distract myself. I will go watch a funny tv show. I will chat with a friend. and yes the old lady with the crazy cat will go play with her cats hahah. I sometimes blog about it. Today i distracted myself by going for a walk. And you know what if i have time to sit there and feel guilty well i have time to try these wonderful new tools and do differently then i usually do. I can chose to do something about what is happening in my life instead of just feeling guilty. I almost find it selfish now to sit there feeling guilty instead of being pro active and fixing things. And does it ever feel good and what a weight off of ones shoulder's when you chose to not feel guilty. I know i will still have days and my moments of guilt but i think by keeping this up, and by practicing practicing i will get better and better at it AND SO CAN YOU!! Thanks for reading me :o)

Drama and gossip

I will try to explain this as best as i can. Pretty much my whole life if i look back on it i have been a drama queen. Everything was always dramatic and demanded attention from others. Dont get me wrong i have always been quite a positive person even annoyingly positive sometimes but again i when things were not going well, i certainly knew how to amplify it or overdramatize it to the max!!! The smallest problems would become BIG problems as i would feed into it and make it become overwhelming. Later on in life for quite a few years i got caught up in gossip with a bunch of so called friends and without noticing i become really negative, always bitching about everything, there was always something going on. It is only once i started therapy and stopped hanging out with those friends that i realized how i had become and how much it affected my life. The amount of stress that left me was astonishing to me!!It was amazing and quite a relief for a while. A few months later i found myself bored, really bored. There was nothing to gossip about and no one to gossip to and nothing dramatic going on in my life. It's then that i realised i was pretty much addicted to drama and gossip in many ways my whole life. I can now see clearly that gossiping and dramatizing everything was a perfect way to avoid my problems, my issues and also a perfect way to avoid being alone with myself. By gossiping about others issues or problems well i avoided dealing with my issues and problems. Being dramatic about everything also got me attention from others but i see now not very good attention and i also can see very clearly how draining this can be on friends (real ones) and family members. I was also always throwing myself to help others to the point of draining myself. Again another way to avoid dealing with my problems when you are completely focused on helping others all the time. Don't get me wrong i will always be a giving person that enjoys helping others but now i know i have to have bounderies and be able to say no and not help others to the point of forgetting about myself. Then when i was not doing well, i did not understand why others did not do the same for me. Well i now see clearly that none of those people ever asked me to give up my whole life to help them, and be there 24/7 etc etc. And i do NOT in any way whatsoever have the right to demand these things from others. It is not healthy for me or for them either way. Now when a problem arises I am getting better at trying not to make it into a huge deal where everyone around me has to stop their lives and give me attention or help me. Yes i do need help and people to support me but i see now that they can only do so much, they have lives to live as well and their own issues. They are not there to fix things for me or pick me up and take over every time i fall. I have also realised that if i am always always talking about my problems and complaining about them, it becomes draining to others but to me as well. By dwelling on things, or being negative or helpless or playing the victim (which i used to be oh so good out without noticing, but i see it now looking back...makes me ashamed just to write it) i am only making things worse. I now see that when an issue arises i dont have to blow it out of proportions with panic. I try to use my radical acceptance skills if you have read my previous posts...pretty much stop accept and now find a solution to the problem. Every little thing DOES NOT have to be dramatic. I now have a hard time with people who complain all the time about everything and never see the good in things. My very positive self is coming back and i am enjoying it quite a bit. I will give a few examples that i have shared in another blog. So i can chose to make my dayno non dramatic if i want by chosing to react differently to things around me. Now if i get into a cab, instead of thinking, oh god i hope he is not chatty etc etc. I actually join into a conversation or spark one up. I will chat with people on the bus. I know the people at my corner dep and coffe shop very well. Same as the pet shop and pharmacie. They have become aquaintances that make my day nicer when i go out into the world. If i have a problem with something small, i now see it doesnt have to become big. I chose to react to the person or problem in a calm positive manner if they chose to do differently i have the chose to not let it affect me. A big lesson is i will never ever be able to change other people but i can certainly change the way I CHOSE to react to them. I can do differently. I dont have to let every little thing affect me. Same applies to my past i can never ever change it but i can chose to change the way i react to it or chose to not let it affect my present anymore as well. I know i am kind of going back and forth on this post but my head i seem to be having a hard time saying what i am thinking, i hope this makes some sort of sense to someone out there hahah. Bottom line is gossip, dramatizing every little thing and being negative are choices, and to me they are bad ones and only affect you in very unhealthy ways and prevent you from moving forward in life. This is not easy to do at the begining at all but i find with practice and noticing the way i react to things and doing differently then i normally do i am starting to get the hang of it sometimes. I am hoping with more and more practice it will become a habit. I really try hard to see the good things that happen in my day because even though a lot of days are really hard, if i look hard enough there is always something good or at least a leson to be learned. My mom always says that the beauty of life is that you can change it at any second. I kind of like that thought. Thank you for reading me i hope i made some sort of sense :o) ps. Listen to yourself talk for one day or notice the way you interact with people in one day, you might be quite shocked or surprise as i was to find out how negative your thoughts, actions and words are and how draining they can be on others and how unhappy they end up making you. REALLY listen to yourself.

Your legitimate rights

This is something that was given to me in therapy which i find very helpful, i even keep it on my fridge, hope it will help some of you. Feel free to ask any questions, i will do my best to answer them. 


Your legitimate rights as a person


1. You have the right to need things from others.
2. You have a right to put yourself first sometimes.
3. You have a right to feel and express your emotions or your pain.
4. You have the right to be the final judge of your beliefs and accept them as 
     legitimate.
5. You have the right to your opinions and convictions
6. You have the right to your experience-even if it's different from that of other people.
7. You have a right to protest any treatment or criticism that feels bad to you.
8. You have a right to negotiate for change.
9. You have a right to ask for help, emotional support, or anything else you need 
     (even thought you may not always get it).
10. You have a right to say no; saying no doesn't make you bad or selfish
11. You have a right not to justify yourself to others.
12. you have a right not to take responsibility for someone else's problem.
13. You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation
14. You have a right, sometimes, to inconvenience or disappoint others. 
15. You have a right to trust yourself even if others don't 
16. You have a right to change your mind.
17. A judgment is not a challenge.


Everyone is worthy enough to apply this to their lives. Remember though others have the same rights for example, if you ask someone for something they also have the right to say no without justifying themselves. This can be very difficult for bpd people but the trick is to try to never take it personally. 

Life skills Radical acceptance (reposting since a lot of people like it)

Radical acceptance was the topic of my life skill group this week again i will do my best to explain it well, i hope this helps. The quicker you accept an unpleasant situation, a person that bothers you or you feel hurt by, events of the past, things of the past and present that you can NOT change, the quicker you will move on to a plan of action and feel better. I accept what i cant change or control. Remember, you cant change or control others (the way they feel or act or what they do) YOU are in charge of yourself, your feelings and your reactions and you have the power to change that. NOT ACCEPTING=NOT WORKING FOR YOU Always asking yourself "why? why is it this way? why me? why did this happen? why is this happening? etc " is useless. It is what it is. Look at what you are doing or thinking and see how YOU are letting yourself feel this way, when you feel sad, angry, upset, depressed..etc. It serves no purpose. Yes it is ok to acknowledge that something unfair might have hapenned or someone said something you did not like, perhaps you were rapped or beaten up when you were younger etc, the list goes on. It is ok to feel angry or sad but to stay in that state will prevent you from ever moving on. Acknowledge your feelings and then move on to a plan instead of staying with the pain and acting out by either drinking cutting shopping doing drugs etc... I will give a few examples the first one is very simple You leave the house in the morning and ask your spouse to do the dishes. You get home and the dishes are not done. You are very tired and yell at your spouse "why did you not do the dishes i asked you to, you should have listenned to me" most likely then your spouse will reply in a defensive way and a fight will start. What event happened that led up to this situation: I was TIRED and CHOSE to say something about it and it turned into a fight. (no matter if it is fare or not if the dishes were not done, the fact is they are not done and you were tired and chose to yell at your spouse) so step one acknowledge and own up to the fact that you were tired and said something while you could have handled it differently What rolde did you play in creating this situation? You again were tired and yelled at your spouse and were rude. what do you have control of in this situation? You can do the dishes, talk calmly with your spouse and make a compromise...etc What dont you have control of in this situation? The fact that the dishes are not done and that your spouse chose not to do them. What was your response to the situation? You got angry , hurt, frustrated and the dishes are still not done How did your response affect your own thoughts and feelings? You felt unvalidated, sad, angry, upset, hurt, then guilty etc. How did your response affect teh thoughts and feelingss of the other people in the situation? Perhaps your spouse had a bad day at work, and might feel hurt by this, feel attacked, insulted, sad....etc. What YOU do has an affect on YOU and on OTHERS So basically this situation can ruin your evening and end up in a long fight and you feel like crap. How could you handle this differently...well first ACCEPT it there is nothing you can do about the fact that the dishes were not done, they are not done and that is that. You could sit down with your spouse explain calmly that you are tired and really would have liked to have the dishes done, you can chose to say nothing and just take the 10 minutes to do the dishes (instead of hours of fighting and feeling like shit), you can leave the dishes til the day after. This is of course just a tiny example but it applies to everything in your life. I will give a more serious example and i will use myself. Pretty much my whole life i have been trying to please a certain person to get a certain type of validation and love. I realised this lately only, i have been doing it my whole life. Well evidently it isn't working for me, i am not getting what i want. I did this without realising it most of my life and even now that i see it i still sometimes catch myself doing it. Well one day in therapy a few months ago it dawned on me "hey, this person is NEVER going to change, i am always going to feel this way, why do i keep putting myself through this pain?" I then realised it was time to accept that i will never be able to change this person or they way they act or react to me. I will never be able to change anyone for that matter. But what i do have control over is ME and the way i let it affect me and what i do about it. Whether it is fair or not that i was not getting the attention, validation or type of love i wanted, it is what it is and its not going to change. I have now stopped trying to please this person, and stopped waiting for something i am never going to get. I changed the way I CHOSE TO LET IT AFFECT ME. I can chose to not let it hurt me anymore. I can chose to accept that this is the way it is and from now on, i will not stay in pain over this forever it serves me no purpose except more and more pain. In every situation we always have a choice. As i have said in previous posts i was rapped when i was younger. Is it fair? NO was it my fault? NO Can i change what happened? NO...I can spend the rest of my life in pain asking myself why why why...that will never change anything and it only keeps me in the past and in constant pain. I have to accept it, stop asking why cause there is no answer and move on,,,by moving on i mean, accepting the pain, acknowledging it and doing differently. Catch myself when i start thinking about it, or start wondering why, and stop myself before it escalates into a panic attack or a night of crying and suffering. I try to catch myself, tell myself yes it happened i will never know why then distract myself RIGHT AWAY, by either baking, reading, watching tv, calling a friend...the list is long if you have read my previous posts. You always always have a choice about how you feel or react. Most of us have spent our lives trying to be validated, to feel like we matter. And most of us only got that attention when behaving badly, by either drinking or cutting, or suicidal attempts etc...and as we get older this is such a brainwashed habit that we keep doing it. By cutting and drinking etc is a way to yell at the world I AM IN PAIN, I want attention, i want to be validated. Because this is the way we are used to getting some sort of negative validation. But no one will ever be able to give you the real good healthy validation except YOURSELF. DO DIFFERENTLY. Try something different. When you are starting a panic attack the last thing you want to do is go for an ice cream belive me, but you have the choice, you can let it escalate and be in pain all night, or you can tolerate the pain and instead of acting on it in an unhealthy way FORCE yourself and go for that ice cream, write an angry letter, go for a walk, Do different and you will get different results, Obviously what you are doing now has not worked for you or for me. We have to delay the instant gratification of relieving the pain and suffering by again eithe cutting, shopping, drinking, fighting, crying, panicking...etc,. Delay doing that you know as well as i do it is only a short relief and then afterwards the guilt kicks in, then when you feel guilty what do you do again, cut, shop, drink...and the vicious cycle never ends. You have to basically delay the gratification, accept the situation, reframe the situation, do differently and find solutions. It is not easy at all and takes TONS AND TONS of practice but what do you have to lose by practicing you are already not feeling good anyway. Slowly you will learn a new way to cop with things by practicing this radical acceptance. Soothe yourself, no one else will. Calm down before making any decisions or acting out. SO TOLERATE(feel it)-DISTRACT YOURSELF======RADICAL ACCEPTANCE remember When u know better you do better. take responsibility for your choices and actions Holding a grudge is like having someone living in your head rent free. I always think of a day when i was looking at a fly in my window (which is next to my door) the fly was trying every which way to get out throught the window. If only she would have flown right next to the window the door was wide open. Look around you and try differently there is a door open for you too. I hope this makes some sort of sense, it is a hard concept to grasp and takes a lot of practice, I tried to explain it as best as i could. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask and i will do my best to answer as clearly as possible. Thank you for reading me :o)

NFL player Brandon Marshall comes out with his story and battle with bpd

http://www.bostonherald.com/sports/football/other_nfl/view.bg?articleid=1376057&srvc=sports&position=recent

Happy day!!!

I wanted to share my happy feelings with all of you today. It is presently 430 am i cant sleep but not because i feel bad, just because those pills the doc gave me to help with my withdrawl symptoms made me sleep all day til 930 pm. So today i am really really feeling better then i have felt in years. I will try to explain as best as i can. First maybe you should read the post i put on my blog called Radical acceptance...its a big 3 month chapter we did in our life skills group. Well i was sitting here wondering what was different in me today. I realised i have hope, a lot of hope in me. For the first time in years i see a big light at the end of this tunnel. In therapy they are always teaching us tools to practice all the time. And i was wondering once and asked m individaul therapis the following.. I know what we do is kind of like brainwashing our minds to think differently by practicing practicing practicing..catching yourself before self sabotaging and doing differently then you normally would, catch yourself at the begining of a panic attack and stop it before it becomes overwhelming. Also stopping yourself when you have spining thoughts or guilt or shame or when thinking everyone hates you and you are a bad person etc etc. And i thought we would always practice and become good at doing it but that it would be something i would have to practice and consciously do the rest of my life, but my therapist told me no and that most people after the 2 years get so good at practicing that they do end up applying these tools and techinques in their life without consciously doing it. It becomes a habit. Well i have noticed today, that i am actually doing some of these things without noticing and that makes me really really happy. For example last night i had a great time at dear friend's house, we laughed so much it was really really nice. Then for some reason i came home and all of a sudden i felt that anxiety rise in me and the paranoid thoughts that i am not a good person, no one really likes me they just put up with me blah blah blah that tape that is always running in the back of my head. Well if this would have hapenned to me like 6 months ago, it would have lasted days or even a week. But no last night i stopped it on my own WITHOUT even noticing. All of a sudden i caught myself thinking. No nacadie, you are who you are right now, you are the best you can be right now and that is good enough. If someone does not like it well too bad, there is nothing more you can do at this moment. And then it stopped on its own and I went to bed feeling fine. Today i looked back and thought wow its really true i will start to be able to do this without thinking about it. Now i know there is a long road ahead of me and that there will be very very hard days but i somehow at the same time feel like i have for the first time in a very very long time, a few goals in my head. In my head, i see good in the future, which has not hapenned in forever in like I said a very long time. I see that i will do detox, then rehab with the quit smoking programme, then back to bpd therapy. And it dawned on me that if since only january i can already apply some of these tools in my life well imagine after finishing the hole programm!!!I actually see a bright future in the distance and at the same time i am enjoying this day of joy. We also practice mindfullness which is living in the present moment. And i have noticed i do that more often now. Usually i always live in either the past, and think of bad things that either hapenned to me or bad things i have done and sit there constantly feeling guilty, ashamed or mad etc etc. Or i will think of the future and make negative predictions without noticing, always thinking i will fail and never be good enough. Well i now also catch myself and say STOP. Right this second, right this instant i am sitting down drinking tea and happy...enjoy it because your life is now, its not when this or that will happens that I will be happy or when I get to this point i will be happy. But i catch myself also thinking well right now i am happy and that's good. Another big thing, well HUGE HUGE thing, is that i am really starting to let go of THIS HUGE amount of guilt i always have inside of me. I always feel as if i am not allowed to not feel guilty because i have done bad things and if i dont feel guilty or permit myself to be happy then i am being a bad person because of all the things i have done, or even the guilt i feel for things i have not even done. I always knew this logically but am now starting to sometimes be able to apply it to my life. A few times this week the guilt would start coming and i would be in the middle of my spining thoughts of guilt and i now see looking back at it that without noticing i actually started thinking... well what exactly are you feeling guilty about? And I feel guilty for ridiculous things i have not even done. If its things i have done, i tell myself they are done, you can never ever change the past no matter how many hours, days or weeks you sit there thinking about them and feeling guilty will never change anything and I will never go forward if i keep it up. Then i think, well i have apologized enough, i can't do anything more except to keep working hard in my therapy and working on the present moment. And i also try to tell myself, it is ok to feel happy and have a good day. The past is the past, no shoulda coulda woulda..not gonna get me anywhere. And when i am thinking in the future and making negative predictions i have stopped myself on my own by saying Nacadie most of the negative predictions you are making almost never happen. If i worry for example about oh i dont know let's say an apointment for example i would have in a week. I imagine it will go really wrong, i will fuck it up somehow but it almost never happens, so i have wasted a whole week of my life stressed about something that will never happen anyway. And even if it did happen what is the point of wasting my NOW or my "present moment" by worrying about it. I know some days I will not feel like this AT ALL but i also now know it will always pass and it will happen a lot less often and when it happens it will not last as long and that it will just get better and better because i will never ever give up and I will always do my best!! So what a good day for me. I wanted to share my happy feelings today since i mostly share negative feelings well why not share the good ones too since i am allowed to feel them!

My mixed up head

Well after all these years and with therapy from which i have learned quite a few things...it still amazes me how my thoughts and feelings can switch from one second the next, and from one extreme to the other. I was having an amazing day today, and all of a sudden my brain just switched to the complete opposite. I was feeling as if i was a good person today which was a rare treat for me....i must say it had been quite a while. Then all of a sudden just like that i was convinced that i am a bad friend, a bad person, a bad daughter and sister, a bad person period. I somehow let my brain once again convince me that i would sometimes be better off alone on a deserted island where i would not be a bother to anyone on this planet. It just overcomes me sometimes like a huge wave. I all of a sudden a feeling comes over me, a knot in my stomach and i really feel like the most unbearable person on earth and wonder why people even talk to me. I become convinced i perhaps should just leave everyone alone because sooner or later they will not be able to take me anymore i will be too much for them and they will leave and abandonment is my worse fear. I realize i really dont let that many people in, like have really really intimate friendships, if someone is too friendly it scares me off. It takes me forever to really truly trust someone and even when i do some part of me is always on guard waiting for something bad to happen, or waiting for me to screw it up. Some nights like tonight i really believe i am not a good person. BUT and thank god there is a but, I am realising that therapy must be helping me somewhat because as opposed to many months ago, i do know this will pass. It is never gone completely, There is always a tiny part in me that believes this but on the days where it gets really overwhelming normally i would jump into panic mode and this could last for days or it has lasted for weeks before. But today even though i feel this i know it will pass and will be a lot less overwhelming and it gives me hope that as i move on on this long journey to some peace of mind, that one day perhaps these thoughts will never or at least very rarely occur to me.Today though I am convinced that i am doomed to be somewhat crazy for the rest of my life, that i will be stuck like this forever with highs and lows and highs and lows and that I am THE one that will fail my 2 year therapy, that I must be the worse case they have ever had where i go to therapy and that everyone will eventually leave...I dont like feeling like this BUT like i said I at least now know it will pass. It always does, so there is some hope and a tiny light at the end of this long tunnel.Tomorrow is a new day..... Thank you for reading me :o)